Post by Radrook Admin on Sept 4, 2019 7:52:16 GMT -5
Frenchman In New York
I like the way you walk Mademoiselle!
You do it like you do, and do it well.
This Frenchman, though a foreigner, admires,
that wiggle when you walk-like prancing fire.
This is my card. You notice I am chic?
I also have a dash of being meek.
The card? Well, it is only to provide,
to my hotel-room directory and guide.
At twelve O’clock you notice then? Ta-Ta?
To straighten out my room I go. Ha! Ha!
There is a knock. Oh nervousness no more.
I must adjust my tie and get the door.
And this behemoth, who? I ask cherie?
It is your husband? I capiche. Oui! Oui!
I think you have the wrong hotel and floor.
Sir, kindly take your fat foot from the door.
Ah, fisticuffs you say? T'is not required.
I only have your lovely wife admired.
So please remove your hulking mass from here.
I think that your demeanor's too severe.
You are choking me monsieur and that is nasty.
You drag me to the window? Don’t be hasty!
Two or three floors up, I understand.
But twenty, bonhomie? I’ll surely land
a bit untidy at the very least/
Mademoiselle, would you call off this beast?
Copyright © Nelson Diaz |
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ZeldaIsSheik wrote a review...
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
Bonjour! J'adore votre poème. C'est tres bien. I especially liked the French parts of this poem, because it reminded me of the beauty of my second favorite language, even if most of the poem was in my fourth favorite (English). This poem feels like a story of a Frenchman coming to New York and a woman wanting to cheat on her husband with him. Her husband comes with her to the Hotel room, and he attacks him. I don't completely understand this poem, so I would be in your debt if you would explain it to be in detail in a comment. Either way, I feel that this poem is a very expressive piece in deed and is worthy of a beautiful like.
That's all for today. Keep writing amazing literature that inspires me to read and review them, and have a great Review Day! Let's beat the Blues once and for all!
~ZeldaIsShiek
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review Zelda. Much appreciated. The story is of a Frenchman in New York who admires a woman's physical beauty, compliments her on it, and then, for some reason, feels tat he can hand her a card with his address on it in order to have sex. Perhaps he misunderstood her friendly manner. Perhaps she excessively flirted with him giving him the wrong idea. Or perhaps he is merely a jerk. Or maybe there was a misunderstanding based on cultural differences. Whatever the case might have been, the woman felt insulted and decided to tell her husband so he could physically punish the Frenchman for his disrespect.
So instead of appearing alone at the Frenchman's door, she arrives with her hulk-like hubby.
The poem is just an attempt at humor. However, there is a lesson involved. Careful what you assume. Don't be quick to jump to conclusions about how a woman might behave. Always comport yourself with due respect. It could mean the difference between having a nice day and winding up falling from your hotel room straight into a garbage bin below.
ZeldaIsSheik says...
That's a good lesson to have learned. Thank you for explaining.
Radrook says...
That is providing her husband didn't actually throw him out that window of course. (:
Thisislegacy wrote a review...
Legacy here for a review.
I like this humourous poem, but the obnoxious rhyming makes it almost painful to the eyes to read. It is more important for your poem to be pleasing to read than for it to rhyme in my opinion, especially since some of your rhymes are severely forced and one (nasty and hasty) don't even rhyme.
I do love the fact you inserted some common french phrases since your character is a frenchman but some of them you have used incorrectly (from my understanding). Bonamie is awkward and could be replaced with mon amie if you were really trying to keep it that way, but it is hard to tell if the french man is talking to the husband or the wife. If he is talking with the husband, it would instead be mon ami (masculine singular form).
I wish I could give you a full review, but all of the technical things make it very difficult. If you let me know once it isn't so painful to the eyes, I can try to give you a review on content as well.
Hopefully I was helpful and not too harsh. Legacy out.
Radrook says...
Sorry you found it so defective. About rhyming, I suggest becoming familiar with off-rhyme.
www.dictionary.com/browse/off-rhyme
Also, please note that "French" and "Frenchman" are proper nouns.
Bonhomie was chosen because it means good friend and fits in better with the pleading and groveling.
Wriskypump says...
Everything was perfect (most importantly the little french drop-ins like 'cherie', chic, and capiche, bonamie). The only thing that fell a little flat was the final four lines. Mostly because of flow, but for the very last line I would have liked to be punched with something more humorous than basically "Can you stop him somehow, please!!"
(plus I wasn't aware this whole time that the woman had come with the husband, as only the hulk was mentioned as arriving until just then at the closing statement)
Radrook says...
Thanx for the feedback and advice. Much appreciated. The "Capiche" word is actually Italian and I hesitated in including it for that reason. BTW Have you ever watched Pepe Le Pew cartoons?
---------------------------------------
Capa002 wrote a review...
Hi,
This poem is amazing! I really enjoyed it. The consistent rhyme throughout the poem creates a humorous tone and highlights the difference between the French speaker and the Americans.I especially love the line "oh nervousness" no more, because of its irony. I have a feeling this peace could be satirical but I just havent been able to catch onto it. Is this poem written with the purpose of only humour of satire?
Anyhow, I really loved this poem, its very different and advanced. I can imagine it must've taken a lot of skill and time for it.
Thanks for sharing
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review. Glad to know that you found it entertaining. My only thought when writing it was to create a comical situation. Since I am very often frustrated in similar ways, I guess that helps. LOL!
Capa002 says...
Lol thanks for clarifying
I like the way you walk Mademoiselle!
You do it like you do, and do it well.
This Frenchman, though a foreigner, admires,
that wiggle when you walk-like prancing fire.
This is my card. You notice I am chic?
I also have a dash of being meek.
The card? Well, it is only to provide,
to my hotel-room directory and guide.
At twelve O’clock you notice then? Ta-Ta?
To straighten out my room I go. Ha! Ha!
There is a knock. Oh nervousness no more.
I must adjust my tie and get the door.
And this behemoth, who? I ask cherie?
It is your husband? I capiche. Oui! Oui!
I think you have the wrong hotel and floor.
Sir, kindly take your fat foot from the door.
Ah, fisticuffs you say? T'is not required.
I only have your lovely wife admired.
So please remove your hulking mass from here.
I think that your demeanor's too severe.
You are choking me monsieur and that is nasty.
You drag me to the window? Don’t be hasty!
Two or three floors up, I understand.
But twenty, bonhomie? I’ll surely land
a bit untidy at the very least/
Mademoiselle, would you call off this beast?
Copyright © Nelson Diaz |
-----------------------------------------------
Reviews
ZeldaIsSheik wrote a review...
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
Bonjour! J'adore votre poème. C'est tres bien. I especially liked the French parts of this poem, because it reminded me of the beauty of my second favorite language, even if most of the poem was in my fourth favorite (English). This poem feels like a story of a Frenchman coming to New York and a woman wanting to cheat on her husband with him. Her husband comes with her to the Hotel room, and he attacks him. I don't completely understand this poem, so I would be in your debt if you would explain it to be in detail in a comment. Either way, I feel that this poem is a very expressive piece in deed and is worthy of a beautiful like.
That's all for today. Keep writing amazing literature that inspires me to read and review them, and have a great Review Day! Let's beat the Blues once and for all!
~ZeldaIsShiek
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review Zelda. Much appreciated. The story is of a Frenchman in New York who admires a woman's physical beauty, compliments her on it, and then, for some reason, feels tat he can hand her a card with his address on it in order to have sex. Perhaps he misunderstood her friendly manner. Perhaps she excessively flirted with him giving him the wrong idea. Or perhaps he is merely a jerk. Or maybe there was a misunderstanding based on cultural differences. Whatever the case might have been, the woman felt insulted and decided to tell her husband so he could physically punish the Frenchman for his disrespect.
So instead of appearing alone at the Frenchman's door, she arrives with her hulk-like hubby.
The poem is just an attempt at humor. However, there is a lesson involved. Careful what you assume. Don't be quick to jump to conclusions about how a woman might behave. Always comport yourself with due respect. It could mean the difference between having a nice day and winding up falling from your hotel room straight into a garbage bin below.
ZeldaIsSheik says...
That's a good lesson to have learned. Thank you for explaining.
Radrook says...
That is providing her husband didn't actually throw him out that window of course. (:
Thisislegacy wrote a review...
Legacy here for a review.
I like this humourous poem, but the obnoxious rhyming makes it almost painful to the eyes to read. It is more important for your poem to be pleasing to read than for it to rhyme in my opinion, especially since some of your rhymes are severely forced and one (nasty and hasty) don't even rhyme.
I do love the fact you inserted some common french phrases since your character is a frenchman but some of them you have used incorrectly (from my understanding). Bonamie is awkward and could be replaced with mon amie if you were really trying to keep it that way, but it is hard to tell if the french man is talking to the husband or the wife. If he is talking with the husband, it would instead be mon ami (masculine singular form).
I wish I could give you a full review, but all of the technical things make it very difficult. If you let me know once it isn't so painful to the eyes, I can try to give you a review on content as well.
Hopefully I was helpful and not too harsh. Legacy out.Radrook says...
Sorry you found it so defective. About rhyming, I suggest becoming familiar with off-rhyme.
www.dictionary.com/browse/off-rhyme
Also, please note that "French" and "Frenchman" are proper nouns.
Bonhomie was chosen because it means good friend and fits in better with the pleading and groveling.
Wriskypump says...
Everything was perfect (most importantly the little french drop-ins like 'cherie', chic, and capiche, bonamie). The only thing that fell a little flat was the final four lines. Mostly because of flow, but for the very last line I would have liked to be punched with something more humorous than basically "Can you stop him somehow, please!!"
(plus I wasn't aware this whole time that the woman had come with the husband, as only the hulk was mentioned as arriving until just then at the closing statement)
Radrook says...
Thanx for the feedback and advice. Much appreciated. The "Capiche" word is actually Italian and I hesitated in including it for that reason. BTW Have you ever watched Pepe Le Pew cartoons?
---------------------------------------
Capa002 wrote a review...
Hi,
This poem is amazing! I really enjoyed it. The consistent rhyme throughout the poem creates a humorous tone and highlights the difference between the French speaker and the Americans.I especially love the line "oh nervousness" no more, because of its irony. I have a feeling this peace could be satirical but I just havent been able to catch onto it. Is this poem written with the purpose of only humour of satire?
Anyhow, I really loved this poem, its very different and advanced. I can imagine it must've taken a lot of skill and time for it.
Thanks for sharing
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review. Glad to know that you found it entertaining. My only thought when writing it was to create a comical situation. Since I am very often frustrated in similar ways, I guess that helps. LOL!
Capa002 says...
Lol thanks for clarifying