Post by Radrook Admin on Sept 3, 2019 15:58:19 GMT -5
The power
by Radrook
December 28, 2017 Poetry: Spiritual, Dramatic 4 comments (3 reviews)
It started with a parishioner’s complaint
about a house he recently had bought
which emanated sounds that sounded quaint
and so the pastor’s services were sought.
“What kind of sounds?” the pastor had inquired
with holy semblance on his portly face.
“Just some loud moanings, squeaks and ghostly fire,
appearing and dissolving without trace."
So hoist upon his own petard the priest,
who was not right with God for secret sinning,
promised to go make the sounds desist
while seeking my assistance widely grinning.
“We have the power!” he suddenly announced.
as through the darkened meadows we made way
towards that infernal, dismal, distant house
assuring me that all would be OK.
His pallid face was soaked with glistening sweat
while chubby hand that held the Bible trembled.
But he assured me that I not forget
we had the power and that meant we were able
to face whatever horror made the noises.
That we’d emerge victorious and rejoicing.
-
'Twas moonless night and darkness hemmed us in.
“The ones who fear are those who practice sin!”
he said in faithless tone without aplomb
as if his previous confidence were gone.
But we had traveled far and therefore I
tagged right along since I hoped testify
about how our great priest had cleansed the house
of noises that were neither rat nor mouse,
but which the owner feared were wicked souls
who were protecting ancient hidden gold.
We reached the mansion, paused before the door.
“You’re first!” the reverend suddenly implored.
“No you!” I said in all humility.
“'Tis only proper that that the pastor be
the first to face the Devil and his hordes.”
At that the pastor’s face became forlorn.
“We have the power!” I then reminded him.
But still his visage looked extremely grim.
'Twas then the door flew open and a howl
proceeded from what seemed the house’s bowels.
-
“Give power to the people, I'll use my legs!"
the pastor yelled as he began to flee.
and didn’t stop although he heard me beg,
“Reverend! Have some mercy! Wait for me!”
But he ran faster than a racing-horse
More like a cheetah, I should honest tell.
I knelt and prayed for heaven’s help, of course,
as evil spirits followed him pell mell.
He had the power but chose his legs instead?
Was never seen again. I fear him dead.
Is this is a review
ZeldaIsSheik says...
Perhaps the real reason he was nervous was because he didn't want to be exposed as a fake.
Radrook says...
Then why go in the first place? Humans are funny that way sometimes. Including me.
ZeldaIsSheik wrote a review...
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
This poem delivers a powerful message to the reader by implying that just because priests and bishops say they have the power of God on their side and they can do anything does not mean they actually have this power at all. Those who are fearful and hide their inner identity for an outward one that is more appealing are some of the worst people of all. Those who steal and commit crimes of murder but put on a cherubic face are the most hypocritical of all humankind. I loved the narrative that you created using the wording of this poem, and I felt that the house was actually just symbolic of confronting the Priest about his secret sinning and fearing he was dead is symbolic of fearing he has run away and left his identity as a Priest disappear due to his exposure as a false prophet. I may have gone too deep for this one, but I personally love this poem.
That's all for today. Keep writing amazing literature that inspires me to read and review them, and have a great Review Day! Let's beat the Blues once and for all!
~ZeldaIsShiek
Radrook says...
Thanks Zelda! That is exactly what I had in mind!
ZeldaIsSheik says...
Yes! Thank you!
Nailed it!
Tuckster wrote a review...
Hey there Radrook! It's MJ, stopping by for another review :
After reading this, I really enjoyed how you told a story through this. Your rhythm and rhyming were, for the most part, superb, and that gave it a type of musicality that helped it to flow easily and made this quite an enjoyable read. It was one of the best storylines I've seen in any of your poems, so good work on that! Let's jump into a handful of nitpicks.
So hoist upon his own petard the priest,
who was not right with God for secret sinning,
promised to go make the sounds desist
Just looking at this, "priest" and "desist" don't rhyme, but if you were to replace "desist" with "cease", that would be a closer rhyme and have a similar meaning.
“We have the power!” he suddenly announced.
as through the darkened meadows we made way
towards that infernal dismal distant house
Generally, it's a good idea to put commas between adjectives, even in poetry. I find it's helpful because not only is it grammatically correct, but it's natural to have a slight pause when one lists adjectives. I also personally feel that you could cut out one of the adjectives, because three seems to be a few more than necessary, but that's up to you.
His pallid face was soaked with glistening sweat
while chubby hand that held the Bible trembled.
You're missing an article before 'hand' here, so perhaps taking out 'chubby' and replacing it with 'the' would be desirable there, or you could find another way to work that article in there.
The biggest thing I noticed was one stanza in the middle was 6 lines instead of 4, which seemed unusual. I couldn't detect a purpose behind that, so if I'm missing something, you're welcome to leave it the way it was, but it seemed almost like a mistake because it was spontaneous.
Another thing I noticed was the changing of your rhyming pattern. During the first half of the poem, you were rhyming the 1st and 3rd line and the 2nd and 4th, but then you started rhyming the 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th. This stylistic change was very abrupt, and again, I couldn't see how it added to the poem, and it just made it feel like an unnatural transition. You switched back again for the last two or three paragraphs or so, but other than that, this had a very nice flow and rhythm, and I really enjoyed this poem! As always, if you have any questions, let me know and I'll do what I can to help clarify things
Best wishes,
MJ
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review. Very much appreciate it.
Sillia here for another review! Noticed this in the Green Room and just figured I'd give you a hand
“Just some loud moanings, squeaks and ghostly fire,
appearing and disolving without trace.
The only thing I have to say here is that you missed the other quotation
His pallid face was soaked with glistening sweat
His chubby hand that held the Bible trembled
This phrase i really enjoy, I dont have a problem with the function or how smooth it is the only thing I have to say is to not have to phrases start with the same word right next to each other. In my option it makes it seem slightly choppy but otherwise I loved the poem. You have a very strong skill of imagery and your prose is amazing. I hope to see some more of your work in the future! My favorite line is;
Twas moonless night and darkness hemmed us in
“The ones who fear are those who practice sin!”
he said in faithless tone without aplomb
as if his previous confidence were gone.
Anyway I hope you have an amazing day and keep writing!!!
Sillia
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review. Will work on the things you pointed out.
Read more: varietygalore.boards.net/thread/689/power-radrook-reviews-included#ixzz5yUtwtUm9
by Radrook
December 28, 2017 Poetry: Spiritual, Dramatic 4 comments (3 reviews)
It started with a parishioner’s complaint
about a house he recently had bought
which emanated sounds that sounded quaint
and so the pastor’s services were sought.
“What kind of sounds?” the pastor had inquired
with holy semblance on his portly face.
“Just some loud moanings, squeaks and ghostly fire,
appearing and dissolving without trace."
So hoist upon his own petard the priest,
who was not right with God for secret sinning,
promised to go make the sounds desist
while seeking my assistance widely grinning.
“We have the power!” he suddenly announced.
as through the darkened meadows we made way
towards that infernal, dismal, distant house
assuring me that all would be OK.
His pallid face was soaked with glistening sweat
while chubby hand that held the Bible trembled.
But he assured me that I not forget
we had the power and that meant we were able
to face whatever horror made the noises.
That we’d emerge victorious and rejoicing.
-
'Twas moonless night and darkness hemmed us in.
“The ones who fear are those who practice sin!”
he said in faithless tone without aplomb
as if his previous confidence were gone.
But we had traveled far and therefore I
tagged right along since I hoped testify
about how our great priest had cleansed the house
of noises that were neither rat nor mouse,
but which the owner feared were wicked souls
who were protecting ancient hidden gold.
We reached the mansion, paused before the door.
“You’re first!” the reverend suddenly implored.
“No you!” I said in all humility.
“'Tis only proper that that the pastor be
the first to face the Devil and his hordes.”
At that the pastor’s face became forlorn.
“We have the power!” I then reminded him.
But still his visage looked extremely grim.
'Twas then the door flew open and a howl
proceeded from what seemed the house’s bowels.
-
“Give power to the people, I'll use my legs!"
the pastor yelled as he began to flee.
and didn’t stop although he heard me beg,
“Reverend! Have some mercy! Wait for me!”
But he ran faster than a racing-horse
More like a cheetah, I should honest tell.
I knelt and prayed for heaven’s help, of course,
as evil spirits followed him pell mell.
He had the power but chose his legs instead?
Was never seen again. I fear him dead.
Is this is a review
ZeldaIsSheik says...
Perhaps the real reason he was nervous was because he didn't want to be exposed as a fake.
Radrook says...
Then why go in the first place? Humans are funny that way sometimes. Including me.
ZeldaIsSheik wrote a review...
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
This poem delivers a powerful message to the reader by implying that just because priests and bishops say they have the power of God on their side and they can do anything does not mean they actually have this power at all. Those who are fearful and hide their inner identity for an outward one that is more appealing are some of the worst people of all. Those who steal and commit crimes of murder but put on a cherubic face are the most hypocritical of all humankind. I loved the narrative that you created using the wording of this poem, and I felt that the house was actually just symbolic of confronting the Priest about his secret sinning and fearing he was dead is symbolic of fearing he has run away and left his identity as a Priest disappear due to his exposure as a false prophet. I may have gone too deep for this one, but I personally love this poem.
That's all for today. Keep writing amazing literature that inspires me to read and review them, and have a great Review Day! Let's beat the Blues once and for all!
~ZeldaIsShiek
Radrook says...
Thanks Zelda! That is exactly what I had in mind!
ZeldaIsSheik says...
Yes! Thank you!
Nailed it!
Tuckster wrote a review...
Hey there Radrook! It's MJ, stopping by for another review :
After reading this, I really enjoyed how you told a story through this. Your rhythm and rhyming were, for the most part, superb, and that gave it a type of musicality that helped it to flow easily and made this quite an enjoyable read. It was one of the best storylines I've seen in any of your poems, so good work on that! Let's jump into a handful of nitpicks.
So hoist upon his own petard the priest,
who was not right with God for secret sinning,
promised to go make the sounds desist
Just looking at this, "priest" and "desist" don't rhyme, but if you were to replace "desist" with "cease", that would be a closer rhyme and have a similar meaning.
“We have the power!” he suddenly announced.
as through the darkened meadows we made way
towards that infernal dismal distant house
Generally, it's a good idea to put commas between adjectives, even in poetry. I find it's helpful because not only is it grammatically correct, but it's natural to have a slight pause when one lists adjectives. I also personally feel that you could cut out one of the adjectives, because three seems to be a few more than necessary, but that's up to you.
His pallid face was soaked with glistening sweat
while chubby hand that held the Bible trembled.
You're missing an article before 'hand' here, so perhaps taking out 'chubby' and replacing it with 'the' would be desirable there, or you could find another way to work that article in there.
The biggest thing I noticed was one stanza in the middle was 6 lines instead of 4, which seemed unusual. I couldn't detect a purpose behind that, so if I'm missing something, you're welcome to leave it the way it was, but it seemed almost like a mistake because it was spontaneous.
Another thing I noticed was the changing of your rhyming pattern. During the first half of the poem, you were rhyming the 1st and 3rd line and the 2nd and 4th, but then you started rhyming the 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th. This stylistic change was very abrupt, and again, I couldn't see how it added to the poem, and it just made it feel like an unnatural transition. You switched back again for the last two or three paragraphs or so, but other than that, this had a very nice flow and rhythm, and I really enjoyed this poem! As always, if you have any questions, let me know and I'll do what I can to help clarify things
Best wishes,
MJ
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review. Very much appreciate it.
Sillia here for another review! Noticed this in the Green Room and just figured I'd give you a hand
“Just some loud moanings, squeaks and ghostly fire,
appearing and disolving without trace.
The only thing I have to say here is that you missed the other quotation
His pallid face was soaked with glistening sweat
His chubby hand that held the Bible trembled
This phrase i really enjoy, I dont have a problem with the function or how smooth it is the only thing I have to say is to not have to phrases start with the same word right next to each other. In my option it makes it seem slightly choppy but otherwise I loved the poem. You have a very strong skill of imagery and your prose is amazing. I hope to see some more of your work in the future! My favorite line is;
Twas moonless night and darkness hemmed us in
“The ones who fear are those who practice sin!”
he said in faithless tone without aplomb
as if his previous confidence were gone.
Anyway I hope you have an amazing day and keep writing!!!
Sillia
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review. Will work on the things you pointed out.
Read more: varietygalore.boards.net/thread/689/power-radrook-reviews-included#ixzz5yUtwtUm9