Lorenz of Mars: By Radrook : Reviews Included

by Radrook

January 24, 2018 Short Story: Dramatic, Science Fiction 2 comments (2 reviews)

     Lorenz had hurriedly donned his spacesuit, left the spaceship and was laboriously making his way against the stiff wind to where his three fellow astronauts were collecting samples of the alien soil. It had been several hours of isolation and he had begun to worry. Especially since the increasing tempest seemed to prevent crew-to-ship communication and the sun was beginning to dip under the distant Martian horizon. So after a desperate effort to reestablish contact on all available frequencies, Lorenz had panicked and decided to personally make certain that everything was OK by going to the excavation site.

     The wind had picked up and he was being thrashed by sand-laden gusts which made progress difficult. But he knew that just beyond at the other side of a sand-dune was where the geologic survey team was located. After what seemed an eternity, he finally reached the top and caught sight of the three crew-members below. They all stopped what they were doing immediately and stood motionlessly and silently staring up in his direction.

     “Lorenz, what are you doing out here?" the mission’s captain Ronald Buford asked gravely as Lorenz stood rigidly amidst the thrashing wind at attention before him.

     “I was concerned that you had suffered some mission mishap sir!” Lorenz responded expecting to be commended for his concern and actions.

     “But you should know that we aren’t due back for an hour Lorenz!” the captain said while giving him a quick once-over with nervously-concerned, dark eyes. Lorenz had always wondered why the captain gazed at him in that worried examinatory way so often since he never did it with anyone else. Neither did he like the suspicious way in which the rest of the crew had ceased their activity and were now staring at him.

     “True, sir, but communications were down and I didn’t know if there had been some incapacitating accident like an avalanche, a sink-hole or sudden eruption of some kind,” Lorenz responded nervously suddenly realizing the gravity of having ignored strict protocol.

     “But that’s just the point," the captain said shaking his head in disapproval. "Communications are just fine Lorenz. It was you who wasn’t responding to us not us to you. In fact, we were about to cut the excavation activity short to find out what exactly was going on."

“That’s impossible sir!”

     “No Lorenz, our communication is working just fine now. You can check it out yourself. So why would it be malfunctioning just a few hundred yards from us on the ship?”

     Lorenz pondered the question for an unusually long time as the captained eyed him with even more suspicion.

     “I don’t know sir! That’s what I came here to find out!” Lorenz’s finally said. His voice had suddenly crackled with static he had never noticed before. He attempted to modulate the output several times but the static remained. He would definitely need to check that out once he returned to the ship. After all, a defective spacesuit could cost a life out here and he would be held responsible. His ruminations were cut short as the captain calmly continued:

     “I hope you realize that this is highly unusual behavior Lorenz.”

     The captain took a few slow steps closer. For a moment Lorenz felt an irrational need to flee-as if there was something uncannily predatory in the captain’s demeanor and in the unusual silence of the other crew-members who were also moving closer and staring as if inspecting some exotic microorganism in a petri dish under a microscope

     “True sir, but I was very concerned--” Lorenze said while instinctively taking a few steps backwards towards the dune he had just descended.

     “Regardless! You were strictly instructed to stay behind at the ship Lorenz. This is extremely unusual behavior! Extremely unusual!” the captain continued in what sounded to Lorenz like barely-restrained impatience tinged with worried animosity.

     Lorenz was now finding it hard to resist the increasingly strong urge to bolt back to the safety of the ship. He began to wonder about the crew’s mental stability. If indeed the crew were suffering some type of violence-prone dementia induced by the alien environment, then they needed to be sedated and placed in the ship’s infirmary to be examined and treated by the medical units on-board. Otherwise they might all soon run amok and endanger the whole mission.

     “Sir, as I said, I became worried--” Lorenz took two cautious steps backwards toward the base of the wind-whipped sand-dune as the possibility that they indeed had become demented repeated itself as if a broken record in his mind.

     “Yes, I know Lorenz.”

     “Do you want me to return to the ship sir?” he was hoping to go back and return with a sonic-blaster set on stun in order to carry out what he now felt was his duty.

     The other crew-members briefly looked at one another in silence.

     “No Lorenz, it’s better that you remain here until we finish our work and we will return to the ship together. ” the captain uttered in a determined tone.

     “But why sir? There is much work to be done back at the ship and it’s really a waste of valuable time for me to linger here uselessly observing while I could be back on board to complete my extensive re-calibration of the navigational systems.”

     Lorenz heard a high pitched gasp from Mauricia Del Veccio, the female member of the expedition and noticed how the captain flinched as if he’d been prodded by a cattle-goad and how his dark eyes narrowed behind his gold-plated space helmet visor.

     “You were doing what Lorenz?” the captain asked in a tremulous voice that verged on panic.

     “My job sir, calibrating the navigational computer programs as you personally instructed me to do just before leaving the ship.” Lorenz responded proudly.

     “But you see Lorenz, my friend, you were never instructed to do such a thing!”

     Those were the last words Lorenz heard followed by a fading hum and a screeching whine as his power source was suddenly disconnected from his chest, his mind went blank and his synthetic body went limp.

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Flash Fiction

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LadyOkra wrote a review...

Oh, how I adore your writing!

Some suggestions:

Lorenz, had hurriedly donned his spacesuit,

I don't think that the pause after "Lorenz" is really required. The sentence sounds better if the first comma wasn't there.

as if inspecting some exotic microorganism in a petri dish.under a microscope

The full stop is misplaced.

They all stopped what they were doing immediately and were stood motionlessly and silently staring up in his direction.

No need for "were". I think the sentence is a bit muddled. Perhaps rephrase it a little bit.

Moving on!

I love, love, LOVED it. I thought that the crew was up to something, not the other way around. Not for a minute did I suspect Lorenz. Who would have thought that he was a robot acting against the captain's will! I think your writing style is great as ever. It is very easy to imagine the sci-fi setting that you have tried to depict in your story, and that is only possible because of the flawless description that you have written.

Thanks for writing this. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Cheers.

Radrook says...

Thanks for the review and encouraging words and for pointing out the typos. Very much appreciated.

Spilledink wrote a review...

Wow. You did you research on space stuff. This is highly interesting, and I feel compelled to read more! Your choices of words definitely draw the reader in, and I like that you wrote his emotions. That always helps a story! Your creativity is captivating, and you described their surroundings quite well. You used brilliant words such as "synthetic" and "animosity". You described the anger and emotion of the captain and Lorenz well, I applaud you!

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“True, sir, but communications were down and I didn’t know if there had been some incapacitating accident like an avalanche, a sink-hole or sudden eruption of some kind,” Lorenz responded nervously suddenly realizing the gravity of having ignored strict protocol.

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I love this sentence, but just one thing I would change is maybe putting a comma in between 'responding' and 'nervously'.

Ok that is probably it, keep writing!

Radrook says...

Thanks for the review and the encouraging words and advice. Very much appreciated.