Two-Star Bandit at a Better Forum
Sept 23, 2023 6:51:48 GMT -5
Post by Radrook Admin on Sept 23, 2023 6:51:48 GMT -5
Two-Star Bandit at a Better Forum
The following is an activity provided by a new writing forum that I am a member of. It involves modifying a short story provided by another member in an effort to improve it. It serves two purposes.
1. To help improve the original author's writing skills
2. To help the writer who modifies the story to improve own writing skills via practice.
2. To help the writer who modifies the story to improve own writing skills via practice.
The members Original Version
Lara finished her coffee and walked out of the café. She remembered she needed to pick up milk and bread at the store, but that would have to wait until her 2pm meeting with Brad, her group supervisor. She had barely stepped onto the sidewalk when it started to rain. Her phone pinged with a new e-mail, but she ignored it; if she stopped now she was sure she'd be late. After walking for about a half-mile, her heel got stuck in a crack in the sidewalk. Just as she managed to dislodge her heel, a taxi whizzed by, splashing her new skirt with puddle water.
"Hey!" She shook her fist at the cab. But it was too late, her pretty, cream-colored skirt was ruined. "Great," she said, looking at her watch. "And I don't have time to change."
Fifteen minutes later, she walked into the meeting with a sweater tied around her waist. Brad's eyes widened when he saw her. She was about to apologize for being late, and for the messy clothes, when he spoke up.
"I'm guessing you didn't get my email." He was smiling. "I circulated a dial-in so people wouldn't have to go out in the rain."
My Version
Lara, a slim, raven-haired newly-hired office worker, had hurriedly gulped down her coffee and rushed out of the downtown café. Picking up milk and bread at the store would now need to wait until after her 2pm meeting with Brad, her group-supervisor.
Unfortunately, as if on cue, it began raining as soon as she stepped onto the sidewalk. Yes, she certainly did hear her iphone in her purse pinging with a new e-mail, but she had absolutely no time to spare. She definitely needed to be on time to make a good impression, and was determined not to disappoint.
Soon, she smiled broadly with triumphant satisfaction as the faint outline of the rectangular, high-rise, downtown, office building, just two short blocks away, became faintly visible through the downpour.
But once more, and suddenly, as if on some sort of predetermined, malicious cue, her black, stiletto-heeled shoe, plunged into a sidewalk crevice just as she had started to jog.
“Oh no! Please!" Lara mumbled to herself amidst the thunder and lighting which had seemed to intensify at that precise moment.
After a frantic five-minutes of frantic yanking and pulling, and during which the thunder and downpour intensified, she finally managed to jerk the seemingly-accursed stiletto heel free. But the effort landed her in a puddle in a sitting position and once again, as if on some cue, a yellow taxi whizzed by, splashing the rest of her new skirt with muddy water.
Frantically, Lara shook her small fist and yelled "Hey you bastard!" while glaring murderously at the driver who was casually giving her the middle-finger in response, and who soon disappeared in the distance down the wide, deserted downtown street.
“Damn!" she muttered as she realized that her pretty, cream-colored skirt had been ruined.
"Great," she grumbled after desperately glaring at her soaked wristwatch which smugly indicated that she only had five minutes left to reach the office located on the 20th floor on time.
"And I don't have time to change." she muttered as she put on the shoe, rose to her unsteady feet, and jogged the rest of way. After arguing with the building nearsighted doorman who didn't seem to recognize whom she was and glared suspiciously at her appearance, and who had vehemently demanded identification, she was finally able to get on a slow-moving elevator that seemed to be stopping on every floor to pick up extremely slow-moving people who eerily seemed to resemble sloths.
Finally, she was able to heave a sigh of relief as she opened the office door and walked into the meeting-room with her sweater tied around her waist to hide the ruined skirt.
To her dismay, her supervisor, Brad, was sitting there alone on his high-backed black-leathered, office-chair, both legs propped up on his brown mahogany desk, and speaking casually into his iphone. Please “Excuse me for one moment!" he muttered into it, while his squinty, green eyes widened, and his broad, freckled face blushed.
She was about to apologize for being late, and for her a disheveled appearance, when he casually set his phone aside, rose with a broad nervous grin on his ruddy face, and calmly said the following:
"Lara! Didn't you just receive my other email?"
“What other email?" Lara responded suddenly feeling foolish.
"I circulated a dial-in so people wouldn't have to go out in this horrible downpour. Didn’t you hear your I phone ring?"
Unfortunately, as if on cue, it began raining as soon as she stepped onto the sidewalk. Yes, she certainly did hear her iphone in her purse pinging with a new e-mail, but she had absolutely no time to spare. She definitely needed to be on time to make a good impression, and was determined not to disappoint.
Soon, she smiled broadly with triumphant satisfaction as the faint outline of the rectangular, high-rise, downtown, office building, just two short blocks away, became faintly visible through the downpour.
But once more, and suddenly, as if on some sort of predetermined, malicious cue, her black, stiletto-heeled shoe, plunged into a sidewalk crevice just as she had started to jog.
“Oh no! Please!" Lara mumbled to herself amidst the thunder and lighting which had seemed to intensify at that precise moment.
After a frantic five-minutes of frantic yanking and pulling, and during which the thunder and downpour intensified, she finally managed to jerk the seemingly-accursed stiletto heel free. But the effort landed her in a puddle in a sitting position and once again, as if on some cue, a yellow taxi whizzed by, splashing the rest of her new skirt with muddy water.
Frantically, Lara shook her small fist and yelled "Hey you bastard!" while glaring murderously at the driver who was casually giving her the middle-finger in response, and who soon disappeared in the distance down the wide, deserted downtown street.
“Damn!" she muttered as she realized that her pretty, cream-colored skirt had been ruined.
"Great," she grumbled after desperately glaring at her soaked wristwatch which smugly indicated that she only had five minutes left to reach the office located on the 20th floor on time.
"And I don't have time to change." she muttered as she put on the shoe, rose to her unsteady feet, and jogged the rest of way. After arguing with the building nearsighted doorman who didn't seem to recognize whom she was and glared suspiciously at her appearance, and who had vehemently demanded identification, she was finally able to get on a slow-moving elevator that seemed to be stopping on every floor to pick up extremely slow-moving people who eerily seemed to resemble sloths.
Finally, she was able to heave a sigh of relief as she opened the office door and walked into the meeting-room with her sweater tied around her waist to hide the ruined skirt.
To her dismay, her supervisor, Brad, was sitting there alone on his high-backed black-leathered, office-chair, both legs propped up on his brown mahogany desk, and speaking casually into his iphone. Please “Excuse me for one moment!" he muttered into it, while his squinty, green eyes widened, and his broad, freckled face blushed.
She was about to apologize for being late, and for her a disheveled appearance, when he casually set his phone aside, rose with a broad nervous grin on his ruddy face, and calmly said the following:
"Lara! Didn't you just receive my other email?"
“What other email?" Lara responded suddenly feeling foolish.
"I circulated a dial-in so people wouldn't have to go out in this horrible downpour. Didn’t you hear your I phone ring?"