It seemed so real Story Feedback
Dec 14, 2022 12:26:40 GMT -5
Post by Radrook Admin on Dec 14, 2022 12:26:40 GMT -5
It seemed so real
By Ary
Born 2008, M, from Victoria, Australia
You have great writing talent. Your use of vocabulary and imagination are excellent. Of course every story can usually be improved. If you want my opinion on this one, please provide an email in your profile where it can be sent or send it to ndias420@comcast.net Thank you.This is in response to a request for suggestions on how the story can be improved.
Since the story's title is in the past tense, then all references to things happening in the present need to be shifted to the past tense. Here is the original version.
I sit down.
It's my last exam of the lot. Creative writing.
I scribble my name in the box at the top before turning to the next page. The pupils of my eyes pulsate to accommodate the small writing on the sheet. “You may start now” comes the voice of the administrator. Out of sight but still, his voice echoing. I rub my sweaty hands inside the pockets of my jacket and flip to the starting page. My eyes scramble around the sheet looking for the topic. “It seemed so real…”
That's it? That’s the topic. My heart, pounding in my chest, feeling like it’s about to burst through my chest. I scribbled down on the planning sheet. Think, Think, THINK! I thought to myself. My brain felt empty, as if all the information seeped through the wrinkles in my brain, leaking out of my ears as I grew more desperate. I looked around the room, everyone seemed to be writing away, gloriously. The walls, glimmering in the reflecting sunlight, teasing me as if they too knew that I was going to fail. I looked ahead at the whiteboard. The numbers on the board representing the time moved around, replacing each other in a confounding pattern. Moving around faster now, my heart beating, filling my ears with a taunting sound. The veins in my eyes bulged, begging my eyes to blink, begging my brain to stop.
I jolted up. My eyes snap open. I'm covered in a cold sweat, shaking, heart pounding, looking around the room suspicious and paranoid that the horror may have followed me here, I get up cautiously, shivering, rub my head and eyes and try to fully awaken. I stumbled to the bathroom, and peered into the mirror, unsure of what I may see. I hang my head down towards the bathroom sink. My walnut-brown hair dangling down, tickling the marble surface of the taps. I splashed my face with water, bringing my senses back to their sharp selves. I saunter back to my bed stifling a yawn as I fall down onto the bed. I stared up at the stained ceiling.
It's my last exam of the lot. Creative writing.
I scribble my name in the box at the top before turning to the next page. The pupils of my eyes pulsate to accommodate the small writing on the sheet. “You may start now” comes the voice of the administrator. Out of sight but still, his voice echoing. I rub my sweaty hands inside the pockets of my jacket and flip to the starting page. My eyes scramble around the sheet looking for the topic. “It seemed so real…”
That's it? That’s the topic. My heart, pounding in my chest, feeling like it’s about to burst through my chest. I scribbled down on the planning sheet. Think, Think, THINK! I thought to myself. My brain felt empty, as if all the information seeped through the wrinkles in my brain, leaking out of my ears as I grew more desperate. I looked around the room, everyone seemed to be writing away, gloriously. The walls, glimmering in the reflecting sunlight, teasing me as if they too knew that I was going to fail. I looked ahead at the whiteboard. The numbers on the board representing the time moved around, replacing each other in a confounding pattern. Moving around faster now, my heart beating, filling my ears with a taunting sound. The veins in my eyes bulged, begging my eyes to blink, begging my brain to stop.
I jolted up. My eyes snap open. I'm covered in a cold sweat, shaking, heart pounding, looking around the room suspicious and paranoid that the horror may have followed me here, I get up cautiously, shivering, rub my head and eyes and try to fully awaken. I stumbled to the bathroom, and peered into the mirror, unsure of what I may see. I hang my head down towards the bathroom sink. My walnut-brown hair dangling down, tickling the marble surface of the taps. I splashed my face with water, bringing my senses back to their sharp selves. I saunter back to my bed stifling a yawn as I fall down onto the bed. I stared up at the stained ceiling.
Agreement of Tense or time:
It's very important to stay on one tense or time. In this case the story repeatedly shifts between past and present tenses. Below are the list of words that contradict each other in reference to when the events described in the story happened. Some indicate they are happening as you speak. Others indicate they happened in the past.
PRESENT TENSE
I may see
I sit down.
I fall down
It's my last
rub my head and eyes and try
comes the voice echoing.
and flip
and try
flip to the starting page
I'm covered
My eyes snap open.
My eyes scramble
I scribble
I saunter
eyes snap open
I get up
comes the voice
my eyes pulsate
I get up
I hang my head
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Past Tense
Brain felt
It seemed
as I grew
I scribbled
eyes bulged
followed me here
they too knew
I thought
I looked ahead
I looked around
I stared
I splashed
I jolted
everyone seemed
----------------------------------
Imagery: Readers need to be told what to visualize. Otherwise they see nothing.
Describe it:
a confounding pattern.
taunting sound.
--------------------------------------------------
Unnecessary Repetition:
If reader already knows, or has already been told, no need to repeat.
chest, chest
brain brain
around around
Here is the Revised Version
I sat down.
It was my last exam of the lot. Creative writing.
It was my last exam of the lot. Creative writing.
I scribbled my name in the box at the top before turning to the next page. The pupils of my eyes pulsated to accommodate the small writing on the sheet. “You may start now” came the voice of the administrator. Out of sight but still, his voice echoed. I rubbed my sweaty hands inside the pockets of my jacket and flipped to the starting page. My eyes scrambled around the sheet looking for the topic. “It seemed so real…”
That's it? That’s the topic. My heart, pounded in my chest, feeling like it was about to burst through my chest. I scribbled down on the planning sheet. Think, Think, THINK! I thought to myself. My brain felt empty, as if all the information seeped through the wrinkles in my brain, leaking out of my ears as I grew more desperate. I looked around the room, everyone seemed to be writing away, gloriously. The walls, glimmering in the reflected sunlight, teasing me as if they too knew that I was going to fail. I looked ahead at the whiteboard. The numbers on the board representing the time moved around, replacing each other in a confounding pattern. Moving around faster then, my heart beating, filling my ears with a taunting sound. The veins in my eyes bulged, begging my eyes to blink, begging my brain to stop.
I jolted up. My eyes snapped open. I was covered in a cold sweat, shaking, heart pounding, looking around the room suspicious and paranoid that the horror might have followed me here. I got up cautiously, shivering, rubbing my head and eyes and trying to fully awaken. I stumbled to the bathroom, and peered into the mirror, unsure of what I might see. I hung my head towards the bathroom sink. My walnut-brown hair dangled down, tickling the marble surface of the taps. I splashed my face with water, bringing my senses back to their sharp selves. I sauntered back to my bed stifling a yawn as I fell down onto the bed and stared up at the stained ceiling.