The Pronouners
Dec 9, 2022 7:15:00 GMT -5
Post by Radrook Admin on Dec 9, 2022 7:15:00 GMT -5
The Pronouners
by
Radrook
The moment when we first made contact with humanoid mammalian aliens who had suddenly appeared among us as if from nowhere, was a joyful one. Unlike the previous ones we had make contact with. which had been Moluskoid, Reptilian, Avian and Cetaceous, these were finally humanoid like us, albeit blue-skinned, approx. three feet tall, thick wavy purple hair. Why, with their large watery brown eyes, and their high-cheekboned, plump faces, they reminded us of innocent puppies.
But best of all, they seemed to have a very peaceful predisposition. Initially, everything about them seemed idyllic. However, all this was soon ruined by one exceedingly important thing, their total inability to communicate except for the words equivalent to me, mine my, I, that, this, those, these us, they, their theirs, them, we, our, ours, you, your yours, he, him, his, she, her, hers, it, its myself, yourself, herself, himself, itself, ourselves yourselves, themselves. After which they always gathered in a semi-circle, held hands, and began emitting high-pitched gurgling sounds as they gazed upwards.
Initially, we took it as a mere misunderstanding that would soon be resolved by our interplanetary linguists. After all, we do often misunderstand people who speak different Earth languages, so how much more could we expect from a totally alien extraterrestrial species? But there was a vast difference.
In the human-to-human case, cultural differences were the cause. But this appeared to be a species-related anomaly. After many attempts to communicate, we began to suspect that it was instinctual. After all, other extra-terrestrials varied in how strongly instinct affected their behavior. We had also discovered perceptual differences in extra terrestrial species indicating an entirely different neural wiring. What might be perceived as cold to us, might be perceived as hot to an extraterrestrial, or else induce no response at all.
Things that might appear as round or spherical to us, might be perceived as a square or an oval to others. Alien compound Arachnid eyes, for example, resulted in visual perception differences involving a multiplicity of images, while we humans are normally restricted to one. So we took these factors into serious consideration when we encountered this pronoun-restricted communication anomaly.
Yet, despite meticulous physical biological examinations, we found virtually no neurological distinctions between us, and absolutely no logical correlation between our concepts and theirs apart from the pronouns could not be found. Of course, that deepened the mystery. Naturally, we wanted to establish trade. After all, they were humanoid like us, tending to indicate perhaps, some mysterious distant kinship? Yet, our brief interactions were restricted to staring at one another with baffled expressions on our faces.
To questions about their home world, they would respond with: “Mine!”
To questions about their history, they would respond with: “Ours!”
About their culture and they would emphatically say: “We”
About the purpose for their arrival, they would utter: “Us”
All animals, regardless of species, were referred to as “ they or them”. Their habitats were called
“Theirs”.
Then, at the end of each effort to communicate, the aliens would invariably utter a diversity of guttural clicking sounds, accompanied by wild gesticulations of their blue hands and exaggerated grimaces of their plump, blue faces before they silently sauntered away back to their ship that they had landed in New York City’s Central Park.
Finally, under the general stress caused by our utter frustration, a meeting of prominent scientists was scheduled in order to discuss the matter.
“How did these imbeciles ever manage to develop a technology capable of space travel of this magnitude is the real question!” the Chairman of the Board of Scientists, a gray-haired, lanky, and tall European, said to his scientist audience as he spoke from the lecture hall’s podium.
“That’s similar to having found a monkey in outer space who had developed the same tech while being only capable of grunts, hoots, growls and howls.” he emphatically added, and the scientist-audience laughed at the comparison, although they knew that it made perfect sense.
“Perhaps some here are thinking that I am being too judgmental? Or that we are reaching conclusions about these humanoids before delving more deeply into the matter. But I assure you, such is not the case.
Please note the translators detect absolutely no subtle undertones or overtones that would add the needed complexities necessary for them to convey the fine nuances essential to create such an elaborate society. In short, gentlemen, we are stumped. So the question is, what do we do next? They are obviously in possession of technologies that we can use. Yet, we can’t seem to get them to cooperate. We’d like to establish a commercial relationship resulting in mutual benefit, yet nothing can be accomplished without some kind of mutual understanding. We certainly don’t want to provoke their animosity, since we don’t know what their military potential is. In fact, some have suggested that they are trying to lure us into a belligerent act out of frustration so they can annihilate us while maintaining a good conscience. Since we don’t know anything at all about their cultural values, this latter reason might very well be a possibility. The degree to which they are understanding us or not, is yet another problematic matter. " he continued.
"Yes, they smile and produce guttural gurgling sounds in unison after listening to our attempts to communicate, but what exactly it all means-we have absolutely no idea. It could be laughter, curses, insults, or blessings. Or these sounds might mean absolutely nothing more than that they are totally insane, and we are wasting our precious time. Some have even suggested that these aliens are not really the ones who designed and built these interstellar ships that brought them here. That they were maliciously placed in them by an alien civilization who suffers from the urgent need to play practical jokes on others, and that unfortunately, we are its latest victim.”
“Excuse me for interrupting the lecture Chairman, but I think that as a representative of Earth's Military Security Forces, something needs to be said about the risk that these pestiferous Aliens represent.”
The speaker, the highest ranking general in charge of Earth's military forces, was a tall a husky, dark-complexioned man with eagle-like facial features. He had a reputation for being a no-nonsense individual with little patience for things that he couldn't figure out quickly.
“You may proceed General” the Chairan of the Board of Scientists said.
After walking slowly to the podium and standing behind the narrow, wooden lectern, the general spoke. He stood ramrod straight while clutching the lectern’s sides with both hands and then slowly leaned forward toward the audience of scientists who had suddenly hushed into a total silence. Then in a deep voice that had a slight growling-texture, similar to a dog about to bark, he spoke.
“Good Evening! As a military man, I don’t search for nuances, gentlemen. I look for solutions. So regardless of the Alien antics, I personally think that they pose an unnecessary risk, and should be forcibly deported right back to their point of origin, or else told to leave.
After all, it has been a year now since their arrival, and all they do is mope around smiling, gurgling idiotically, using personal pronouns, before going back to their ship. If indeed this is some sort of extraterrestrial joke, as the Chairman just suggested, then their efforts at entertainment at our expense should be terminated right now!” the general almost shouted the last words into the microphone after slamming the palm of his oversized hand on the lectern, and causing the glass of water that had been perched there to go crashing to the floor.
“So they had a good laugh at our expense?” he continued, “OK! Fair enough! Let’s give the bastards a round of applause. But now the circus-show is over, and they should take their clownish act and go back to whatever illogical, shit-hole they just happened to emerge from. That is my suggestion, Chairman, and this point of view is shared by leaders of all Earth’s military branches.”
The entire assemblage of scientists burst out in a unanimous, thunderous, applause and some even cheered.
“Risking an interplanetary war over a practical joke general?” the chairman asked calmly after the accolades had subsided. He hadn’t expected the meeting to be turned into this.
“The practical joke, as you choose to call it, could be a cunning ruse, a malicious distraction, Mr. Chairman,” the general responded while holding the Chairman in and eagle-like predatory gaze.
“They might be cleverly gathering crucial information, probing for weaknesses, so that when they truly reveal whom they really are, we will be at a serious military disadvantage! Is that what we are waiting for? Is it?”
At that moment, three aliens, who had been standing in a shadows undetected in the back of the meeting hall, suddenly emerged and began chanting the following pronouns in unison.
“He! His! Mine! Ours! Theirs! Me! She! It!” followed by their usual truculent and gurgling sounds.
“Speak right you bastards!” the general suddenly shouted, drew his Beretta 92F semi-automatic pistol, and fired eight earsplitting rounds over the heads of the audience in the aliens 'direction.
“One damned round for each pronoun!” he roared as he dropped to one knee, and took aim again.
Whereupon the aliens immediately dropped to the floor, began to thrash about like fish out of water whilst speaking perfect, English, Spanish, Esperanto and Swahili.
From that point onward, exo-planetary, interspecies communication proved to be no problem at all.
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