Limerick Stories
Dec 2, 2022 22:01:11 GMT -5
Post by Radrook Admin on Dec 2, 2022 22:01:11 GMT -5
Limericks By Radrook
1. Back To Pamplona
2. Bongo Nights
3. Doctor Well
4. A Trusting Fellow
5. Gift of Flight
6.Peaches and Cream
7. The Doc Can Be Trusted
8. That will Learn Me
9. Ouch!
10. Wined Dined and Sublimed
11.Dayis Young
12. Snakish Vacation
13. Conspiring Night
14. Tis a Pity
15. Fun's In the Lard
16. Boxer Ballooba
17. Floating Man in the Sea
18. Two of a Kind
19. Bossum Buddies
20. Night of Sepulcral Oblution
21. Undefiled Village
22. Lady From Burma
23: Astronaut
24. Planet Kazoom
21. Undefiled Village
22. Lady From Burma
23: Astronaut
24. Planet Kazoom
---------------------------------------------
Back to Pamplona!
Yes! I plan a return to Pamplona
Why a return? Cause I wanna.
To hell with the danger
It's not a foul stranger
Besides, I'm a very fast runner.
I know that the bulls there are fierce.
But hey? There's no gain if no tears!
Besides what are horns
But a danger to scorn?
If they get much to close I'll shift gears.
Hey! Remember the women astounded
As the bulls had me almost surrounded?
How I put on the brakes?
And just for their sakes?
I dared to remain firmly grounded?
How amidst their wild screaming and shrieks
As if some supernatural freak,
I burst through the ranks
as they prayed and gave thanks
With streaming of tears on their cheeks?
Oh how loudly they cheered as I ran
Down cobblestoned streets-total man
Closely followed by beasts
Not afraid in the least
Until a horn met the seat of my pants.
All the rest as you know is a blur
As I became part of the herd.
Swift stabbing of horns
Crowd faces forlorn
as my countenance slid on a turd.
And the blueness of sky mixed with red
and a battering sound in my head
And your horrified look
as the savage beast shook
And probably left me for dead
But Pamplona? I'll soon meet you there!
As soon as I rise from this chair
To which I am tethered
Like tar unto feathers
Until all the damage's repaired.
Ole!
------------------------------
Bongo Night
Matumba plays bongos all night
Believing he causing delight.
Below lives Katanga
Who constantly bangas
The ceiling to make known his plight.
Matumba? He think it applause
To further his musical cause.
So he tap on he bongos
As if he were in Congo
Without giving thought to a pause.
Katanga? He shout and he growl.
He make ugly faces and prowl.
Matumba he hear
But it sound like a cheer
Or a compliment such as a "Wow!"
Katanga he knock on the door.
Face painted, make ready for war
But Matumba hear pounding
Like Kantanga be sounding
His own counterpoint to the score.
So Matumba hands blur with the beat
And he add syncopation with feet
As Kantanga stands there
With malevolent stare
In the noise and the sweat and the heat.
------------------------------------------------
Doctor Well
I was just operated for hernia.
I hope my experience will learnya
to choose a good doctor.
A critical factor!
Or else the foul memories will burnya.
Please take note he should be civilized
And not maniacal of eyes
And make sure if you can
That he does understand
That your family Jewels are prized.
And that scalpels should never go stray
In a flash of a delirious display
To impress all his peers
Who will smile ear to ear
And don't notice your bleeding away
Do remind him that sex is so sweet,
And that you as a man feel complete.
Otherwise he might fate you
As he deftly castrates you
And flings to the trash-can your meat.
Oh the screaming and horrible yells!
And the horror of going through hell!
Will never restore
What you once had before.
So make sure that your doctor is well.
----------------------------------------------------------------
A Trusting Fellow
Marcello was trusting young fellow,
Of calm disposition and mellow,
But while he was a trusting
his thief friends were busting
His chops as they sang acapello
The first thing to go was his watch
He'd left on the table.Twas snatched
By the trilling young tenor
A buddy named Leonard,
As Marcello distractedly scratched.
Then his cutlery suddenly went
When he took off some time to pay rent.
Left his buddies right there
Without worry or care.
Considered them all heaven sent.
Then his fridge went mysteriously missing
As he took off some time for a pissing.
And his buddies knew not
Anda seemed quite distraught
And with outrage they all were ahissing.
Then his guitar one day disappeared
After going outside for some beer
And they all looked surprised
At the tear in his eye
But when he remained calm they all cheered.
But the thing that cut deep like a knife,
Was the theft of his beautiful wife
By the bassist Carmelo
A strapping young fellow.
Who'd sworn he was best friend for life.
What went next is a pain to retell.
Marcello transformed into hell.
Went straight for his gun
Said "Let's have us some fun!"
As he sent them all running pell mell.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Gift of Flight
One fine day I woke up and alack!
Two white glorious wings graced my back
Was it blessing of flight?
Could I soar out of site?
Needed practice to give me the knack.
So I perched on the Eifle of Tower,
On that night of a copious shower,
When the streets were deserted
And attention averted,
such as looks of disdain or of glowers.
Down below were the drenched cobbled streets
and the asphalt and solid concrete.
Up above were the stars
Far beyond beckoned Mars
But my heart beckoned me to retreat.
But why wings, if for flying not for?
To be shackled to Earth evermore?
So I walked to the ledge
After courage I dredged,
But I oozed frigid sweat from all pores.
Then the leap and my chest to the night
And the flapping of wings to take flight
But no aero dynamics
So I started to panic
As I started to fathom my plight.
Outspread wings met the wet of the wind
But the hover was brief. Not the spin
As I plummeted down
All the way to the ground
which I hit with the tip of my chin.
I survived by the slimmest of chance
But I'm learning today how to prance.
Since I woke up with hooves,
Might as well try improve
Place your bets on me when you're in France.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Peaches and Cream
My dear wife is all peaches and cream,
Full of sunshine, meticulous, clean,
With her long golden curls
A fantastical girl!
She's not cruel or sadistic or mean.
Yes, she did swing a bat at my head.
You imagine she wanted me dead?
With her angelic face?
That would be a disgrace!
So she must have been funning instead.
The arsenic you found in my food?
Well, she probably misunderstood
To be spice, such as salt.
So it wasn't her fault.
and she pumped out my stomach real good.
I still love her, my friend. Let me be!
She's so dainty and walks gingerly.
With a wasp of a waist
And broad hips to my taste
Please stop warning me that I should flee.
Here she comes with her newfangled gun.
Stop a telling me that I should run!
It is probably meant
For some other fine gent
What's that sound? Where's the sky? Where's the sun?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just believe the doc can be trusted
My dentist named Maurice Costello,
Has teeth that are tinted bright yellow.
Yet he constantly yells'
That my mouth isn't well
Or at other times simply just bellows.
He does drill with such great satisfaction
And he gloats at all painful reactions
With his green eyes aglow,
One instinctively knows
That he craves root canals and impactions.
Never mind that he sports a Mohawk
That he dribbles whenever he talks.
Never mind his tattoos
Of a Mr. Magoo
Or his swiveling of hips when he walks.
Never mind his utensils are rusted.
That he looks petered out, all exhausted
That he falls fast asleep
While he's drilling real deep,
Just believe that the doc can be trusted.
------------------------------------------------------------
That will Learn Me
While learning to throw boomarang
I let one go fly with a twang
Please get me some Scotch!
It just hit my crotch!
An area I had not quite planned.
Outch!
Please unshut room's door from my finger.
Please have mercy and don't try to linger.
Cause the longer you linger
Then the greater the stinger
A making the pain a humdinger.
Can't you hear the quick snapping of knuckle?
Oh please my dear love, don't a chuckle!
Ow! the sinews are slipping'
and the tendons are ripping
And my knees are beginning to buckle.
Is it something that I ever said
That is causing you see livid red?
Then I pologize
With these tears in my eyes
Can you please stop a wishing me dead?
Just a little less pressure will do
And a bit surgery? Finger's new!
But you must first desist
From a balling your fist.
Ow! Mah nose! That's another you threw!
---------------------------------------------------
Wined Dined Sublimed
A bovine-faced woman looks fine
When one is infused with much wine
But come morning and sober
the illusion keels over
And so does the vision sublime.
Her voice of a tinkling bells
Now sound like vibrations from hell
That summon her minions
Her hair is of pinions
Excuse me! I'm not feeling well.
Her teeth that all beauty surpassed
Now sit in a gurgling glass.
Her hips that were grand
Now sit on a stand.
She offers wet-kiss but I pass.
An eye I was last night a kissing,
Is somehow mysteriously missing.
Instead an eye patch
Now covers that hatch.
I find that extremely displeasing.
My way to the exit is blocked.
My heart feels as tense as a rock'
But "Hey there's the bottle
So give it full throttle!"
She says, as I plunge into shock.
---------------------------------------------------------
Day is young!
I have splitting headache today.
A mallet is hammering away!
Between ear and ear.
The beat? Crystal clear!
Ow! A toothache has just joined the fray!
Both my eyes are beginning to water.
What the hey! Let em join in the slaughter!
After all, day is young!
Let them join in the fun.
Darn! My tongue is beginning to flutter.
Hey! My scalp is beginning to itch
Ah heh! heh! now if that isn't rich!
And my bunion's on fire
after stepping on pliers.
What the hey if my life's in a ditch?
I can always pretend I'm just fine
As if everything's ultra-sublime.
But ow! Now my back
Has just slipped from its track
You can have the job back! I resign!
--------------------------------------------
Snakish Vacation
It 's slithering slowly my way
I'm afraid it might spoilage my day
Cause I never was fonda
irate Anacondas
Or maybe it just wants to play?
It coils my cadaverous torso
With amazing astonishing force. Oh!
I'm beginning to heave
and unable to breath
And the sweat's oozing out of my porsoes!
Oh what wondrous thrilling vacation!
All full of amazing elations!
The sky was so blue
and the stars were all new
And now this impending sedation!
It cracks my thin ribs! How unreal!
Seems I'll shortly become its next meal.
Oh well, a goodbye
Let me heave my last sigh!
This vacation was not a good deal!
---------------------------------------------------------
Conspiring Night
The night is aware that I'm sleepy
Conspiring to make me feel creepy
It conjures up noise
Disturbing my poise
Example? My telephone's beeping.
If not, then it's dripping of water.
I feel like a sheep primed for slaughter.
My eyes are bloodshot
Please make it all stop
Damn! There goes the bawling of daughter!
If not its the barking of dog.
Or else its the grunting of hog!
And when there is silence
And I feel nonchalance
At once there is croaking of frog!
Or else its the screeching of tire
On asphalt. The night does conspire!
To keep me awake
Oh for goodness sake!
Just shoot me so I can retire!
------------------------------------------
Tis A Pity!
Oh how purple the skies and the trees
And the moon that is glancing at me
And the bubbling flowers
Giving fragrance like showers'
And the elves that all dance gingerly.
Rapid rivers aflowing sublime
Emerald shorelines with love intertwined
Raucous laughter of child
Humid air undefiled
And the dancing aroma of wine.
Wily willows all whisper my name
With their ever-melodious refrain
Captivate my emotions
Thrill my soul with devotions
Tis a pity that I am insane!
-----------------------------------------
Funs in the Lard
Meat isn't meat if its lean.
Like a saint's not a saint if he's mean.
Like a sun lacking fire
Like a bog without mire.
Like a factory lacking machines.
Like a storm lacking lightning that roars.
Or a falcon unable to soar
Or a boar without sow....
Or a bull without cow....
Please! Don't trim the fat off, I implore!
Please don't silence the bubbling gristle
The symphony when the fat sizzles.
The symphony when the fat sizzles.
It dazzles the senses!
Away with presences!
When ready? Just holler or whistle!
Bellowing Balooba
Balooba? He blabbered and bellowed.
His vocals were all acapellos.
Till he met his sweet wife
Who amuffled his pipes
Now Ballooba's a quieted fellow
Floating Man
A floating gaunt man in the sea
Was waving and waving at me.
But I still don't know why
With such beautiful skies!
Just one of those big mysteries.
Two of a Kind
A rapper named Jerry Macumba
Palavered while dancing the rumba
He motored his mouth
Delivering shouts
Come morning he was found in the tumba
Bosum Buddies
A rapper named Jerry Karoo
Met a quacker named Benny Magoo
They rapped and they quacked
They quacked and they rapped
What else you expect em to do?
Sepulchral Ablution
That night of sepulchral ablution
left everyone there in confusion.
The zombies and ghouls
all started to drool
and distribute a many contusion
One grabbed someone else by the toes.
Another latched on to a nose.
Another heaved ho
With blow after blow.
Amazing the hatred they showed!
Large tombstones were flung and were shattered.
All those in attendance were battered.
Some made for the hills.
Some others were killed.
Survivors just frantically scattered.
The town's solitaire constabule,
Arrived on his horrified mule,
but once he beheld
that scene as from hell,
he vanished a little too soon.
The priest with his saintly attire,
returned with his parish inspired
But once he was there
he put all his care
in how fast he could traverse the mire.
A matronly lady of sin,
attempted to simply just grin.
But when her charms failed
she just added her wails
to the noise and the unearthly din.
In short, it was just a disaster.
The concrete, the stone and the plaster.
Whitewashing of tombs
Brought shadowy gloom.
So requiem in peace ever after.
------------------------
Undefiled Village
While wielding my sharpened machete,
I chopped through the jungle too steady,
and while feeling elated
I decapitated
the head off my beloved Betty.
Too fast did she sudden appear
out of nowhere, with: "Dinner my dear!"
Then off her head flew
and I instantly knew
I would never again those words hear.
And that loneliness personified
was to be my companion for life
For my love never failed
though I landed in jail
for the slaughter and murder of wife.
Explanations I gave were rejected.
Of maliciousness I was suspected
as I languished for weeks
the town's cobblestoned streets
became with the self-righteous infected.
All the villagers sought retribution.
There was shouting! Religious effusion!
As they dragged me outside
"Kill him!" all of them cried
while inflicting a many contusions.
While a spitting, and hurling their rocks
they had dragged me about twenty blocks
through the darkness that thrills
when a crowed yearns to kill
and the path to their pity is blocked.
They refused to allow me last words
as they doused me with tar undeterred.
with a staring and gloating
and growling and shouting
while the parish priest watched unperturbed.
And with wide sanctimonious smile
lit the fire, saying "Bless you my child!"
As I went up in flames
I could hear him proclaim:
"Now our village remains undefiled!"
------------------------------------
Lady
There was once a lady from Burma
Whose body turned all the men thermal
With her full luscious lips
and her wide-swaying hips,
not to mention her smooth epidermal
With smooth sinuous motion she'd smile.
And many a young man beguile
whom she'd lure to her home
Where they thought her alone
Just to see how her hubby went wild.
She would lead hapless pencil-necked "boys"
With her pleading melodious voice
To the door of her cabin
Where her hubby was nappin
Whom she quickly awakened with noise.
Then she'd sit to observe all the gore
And to chuckle as they would implore
That he not break their legs
and to grovel and beg
as she yelled out: "Go givem some more!"
But one day as she tempted away,
With the purpose of causing a fray,
this meticulous fellow
with a voice that was mellow
Took the bait to observers' dismay
He followed her swaying lithe form
as the villagers looked on forlorned
at the deceptive maiden
the heartless wench pagan.
who glanced back at them with a scorn.
They both disappeared in the distance
The hapless frail lad...her insistence
And soon they drew close
to her husband's repose,
where he snored like a bull with persistence.
There were rattling of pans-a few yells,
Then the curdling screams as from hell
Then the poundings and thrashing
of the bush and the lashings
What transpired not a body could tell.
Then the silence profound as a roar
And the sound of the struggle no more,
as the lad reappeared
With their heads on two spears.
"After all" he said "What are spears for?"
====================================
Astronaut
A young and naïve astronaut
bargained for more than he got.
When approaching the moon
gunned his rockets too soon,
and past his trajectory shot.
Now, if he could have gunned them again.
Then he would have done so, my friend!
But once was the limit
and there was the gimmick,
he never achieved comprehend
when he proudly accepted the task
dreaming fame that forever would last,
wanting wild adoration
for a vast reputation,
a detail devoid in his past.
"Hell Yeah!" he said, taking the deal.
And after he finished his meal,
he proceeded go
to put on a show
for those with financial appeal.
But of course, he'd intended to swivel
the orbit without any quibble.
But miscalculation
brought cruel realization.
From the shock? Urination and dribble.
Oh! he struggled to seem nonchalant
to preserve all the ladies in rant
bout his bravery wild
as he'd blustered and smiled
when he'd boarded the ship Elegant.
And had waved them a casual so-long,
fully chested, invested and strong,
with a confident smile
as he left them beguiled
via his glory of famous and young!
But when shit, as they say, hit the fan,
he became far more human than man.
So he plummeted screaming
instead of a beaming
as he had originally planned.
-----------------------------------------------
Planet Kazoom
by Radrook
While attempting to land on Kazoom
I engaged retrorockets too soon
and landed alone
in fields of pure stone
at Approx a full quarter to noon.
Scattered rocks were all perfectly round.
There were seismic-type grooves on the ground
and some quaint little fellows
with faces bright yellow
while the rest of their bodies were brown.
With crimson, coarse hair to their shoulders,
they followed from boulder to boulder.
Since I had no blaster
I started walk faster.
Felt my blood flowing colder and colder.
The little chaps stalked me you see,
in groups of a four and of three.
So I broke into run
under alien sun
and I heard them all chuckling with glee!
In the distance my ship was awaiting.
My heart in my chest palpitating
So I hit second gear
and became rocketeer
and was splattered against the ships grating.
So I hit second-gear and all of them cheered
as i splattered against the ship's grating.
------------------------
Undefiled Village
While wielding my sharpened machete,
I chopped through the jungle too steady,
and while feeling elated
I decapitated
the head off my beloved Betty.
Too fast did she sudden appear
out of nowhere, with: "Dinner my dear!"
Then off her head flew
and I instantly knew
I would never again those words hear.
And that loneliness personified
was to be my companion for life
For my love never failed
though I landed in jail
for the slaughter and murder of wife.
Explanations I gave were rejected.
Of maliciousness I was suspected
as I languished for weeks
the town's cobblestoned streets
became with the self-righteous infected.
All the villagers sought retribution.
There was shouting! Religious effusion!
As they dragged me outside
"Kill him!" all of them cried
while inflicting a many contusions.
While a spitting, and hurling their rocks
they had dragged me about twenty blocks
through the darkness that thrills
when a crowed yearns to kill
and the path to their pity is blocked.
They refused to allow me last words
as they doused me with tar undeterred.
with a staring and gloating
and growling and shouting
while the parish priest watched unperturbed.
And with wide sanctimonious smile
lit the fire, saying "Bless you my child!"
As I went up in flames
I could hear him proclaim:
"Now our village remains undefiled!"
------------------------------------
Lady
There was once a lady from Burma
Whose body turned all the men thermal
With her full luscious lips
and her wide-swaying hips,
not to mention her smooth epidermal
With smooth sinuous motion she'd smile.
And many a young man beguile
whom she'd lure to her home
Where they thought her alone
Just to see how her hubby went wild.
She would lead hapless pencil-necked "boys"
With her pleading melodious voice
To the door of her cabin
Where her hubby was nappin
Whom she quickly awakened with noise.
Then she'd sit to observe all the gore
And to chuckle as they would implore
That he not break their legs
and to grovel and beg
as she yelled out: "Go givem some more!"
But one day as she tempted away,
With the purpose of causing a fray,
this meticulous fellow
with a voice that was mellow
Took the bait to observers' dismay
He followed her swaying lithe form
as the villagers looked on forlorned
at the deceptive maiden
the heartless wench pagan.
who glanced back at them with a scorn.
They both disappeared in the distance
The hapless frail lad...her insistence
And soon they drew close
to her husband's repose,
where he snored like a bull with persistence.
There were rattling of pans-a few yells,
Then the curdling screams as from hell
Then the poundings and thrashing
of the bush and the lashings
What transpired not a body could tell.
Then the silence profound as a roar
And the sound of the struggle no more,
as the lad reappeared
With their heads on two spears.
"After all" he said "What are spears for?"
====================================
Astronaut
A young and naïve astronaut
bargained for more than he got.
When approaching the moon
gunned his rockets too soon,
and past his trajectory shot.
Now, if he could have gunned them again.
Then he would have done so, my friend!
But once was the limit
and there was the gimmick,
he never achieved comprehend
when he proudly accepted the task
dreaming fame that forever would last,
wanting wild adoration
for a vast reputation,
a detail devoid in his past.
"Hell Yeah!" he said, taking the deal.
And after he finished his meal,
he proceeded go
to put on a show
for those with financial appeal.
But of course, he'd intended to swivel
the orbit without any quibble.
But miscalculation
brought cruel realization.
From the shock? Urination and dribble.
Oh! he struggled to seem nonchalant
to preserve all the ladies in rant
bout his bravery wild
as he'd blustered and smiled
when he'd boarded the ship Elegant.
And had waved them a casual so-long,
fully chested, invested and strong,
with a confident smile
as he left them beguiled
via his glory of famous and young!
But when shit, as they say, hit the fan,
he became far more human than man.
So he plummeted screaming
instead of a beaming
as he had originally planned.
-----------------------------------------------
Planet Kazoom
by Radrook
While attempting to land on Kazoom
I engaged retrorockets too soon
and landed alone
in fields of pure stone
at Approx a full quarter to noon.
Scattered rocks were all perfectly round.
There were seismic-type grooves on the ground
and some quaint little fellows
with faces bright yellow
while the rest of their bodies were brown.
With crimson, coarse hair to their shoulders,
they followed from boulder to boulder.
Since I had no blaster
I started walk faster.
Felt my blood flowing colder and colder.
The little chaps stalked me you see,
in groups of a four and of three.
So I broke into run
under alien sun
and I heard them all chuckling with glee!
In the distance my ship was awaiting.
My heart in my chest palpitating
So I hit second gear
and became rocketeer
and was splattered against the ships grating.
So I hit second-gear and all of them cheered
as i splattered against the ship's grating.