Post Mortem Letter to Dad
Nov 29, 2022 15:22:52 GMT -5
Post by Radrook Admin on Nov 29, 2022 15:22:52 GMT -5
Post Mortem Letter to Dad
by Radrook
by Radrook
Your Indifference
You know dad, now that you are finally gone, I am still baffled by your almost total disinterest towards me as an only son. Please don’t misunderstand me. I do remember the good as well. For example, you were always present as someone that I could imagine as my father. The food at the table was because of your hard physical labor. The places I lived in were the result of the sweat from your brow as you regularly paid the rent. I can proudly say that you never did apply for public assistance even though you had an extremely hard time making ends meet. Yes dad, your constant presence seemed as certain as the sunrise and sunset and added greatly to a my childhood sense of security.
I remember also the time that you went to the local store one late winter’s evening to get me some child literature featuring Donald duck, and also remember how you took the time to buy me that metal toy bus. There is also a memory in my adolescence where you were willing to go with me to face those bullies who had attacked me and placed yourself in serious physical danger for my sake.
Unfortunately, there are also far more memories that I would rather forget. Memories that persist and which have gained more meaning as my ability to delve deeper into the intricacies of human motivations has increased. Insights that seem to arrive suddenly as if from nowhere and illuminate what had once been mere suspicions or uncertainties. These revelations have gradually modified my understanding of our relationship, and have revealed that you indeed owed me far more than the material things that you provided such as clothing shelter, and food.
These epiphanies have made me understand, that you neglected the far more important things that nourish a human soul, especially the tender soul of an innocent child that urgently needed far more than those material things in order to thrive, better yet, in order to feel loved and cared for. A child’s soul that desperately needed the fatherly attention which you could have easily expressed via a simple hug, which you never gave, or a brief approving pat on the head, which you never even reluctantly provided, or else, by simply a friendly hello when arriving from work, which you also stubbornly and refused to utter. Or just a brief, private conversation showing some interest in my schoolwork, any childish aspiration or any other concern-which you never showed. Or else, at the very least, a routine look in my direction, or a brief meeting of our eyes, so that loving interest would have been conveyed. And yet, despite the twenty long years of living in the same small apartments, all I can ever visually recall is seeing your disinterested, silent, profile and nothing more.
It was as if even the mere sight of me offended your elevated sense of esthetics or else reminded you of some serious personal insult. I now wonder if it had been my birth that bothered you and led you to behave as if I had been your worse enemy, or some intruder that had suddenly appeared in your life to seriously disturb your peace.
Was that urgent need to give me away for adoption to my aunt based on that same desperate need to obliterate me from your presence? Or was it perhaps the deep disappointment that I didn’t physically resemble you and meet your specific racial aspirations? After all, I recall that you always kept complaining that I resembled my mother who was of a Taina physical appearance and not European-looking like you. Was that it? Was the primary reason for the animosity and isolation that you gratuitously and systematically inflicted on me for those twenty years of fatherly silence, always making certain to turn your face away from me so that all that I could ever recall seeing is your silent, disinterested profile?
Is that why you treated me that way dad? Was that it? No, I don’t purposefully delve on these things dad, but now that I am also at the end of my life and review its positives and its negatives and can clearly see the strong connections between my childhood experiences and the quality of my existence, I can’t help but perceive a cause and effect connection between what you did and how things have gone for me. In any case, may you rest in peace and may God forgive and be with you always. Your son who still loves you regardless of your flaws: ND.