Post by Radrook Admin on Nov 11, 2022 21:15:12 GMT -5
Say what?
By Radrook
“Praises! Praises! Accolades! A thunderous applause and copious encouragements to all who participated by submitting statements of profound wisdom” the white-tuxedoed, young, tall, blond and cadaverously-thin Master of Ceremonies, Alex Rubinstein, uttered from the stage on the final day of what had been a unique event: The Grand Sayings of Wisdom Competition, in which the best one was to be chosen from among thousands, and the winner was to be awarded with a silver trophy.
After a brief pause, allowing for the cheers and applause that he had requested, he continued:
“Oh, it has certainly been a grand occasion, and all the competitors have gloriously displayed a wisdom far beyond their years. The depth of their tongue-in-cheek declarations has left the audience breathless. In fact, the profundity of the wisdom repeatedly enunciated here tonight has induced some extremely sensitive souls in the audience to pass out due to the force of the sudden epiphanies which immediately ensued after certain declarations were revealed. But not to fear, my dears...” he said while rooster-strutting from one end of the stage to the other.
“...the cerebral synaptic overloads that were induced by these semantic brilliancies have worn off, and after just a few whifs of smelling-salts, our fellow lovers of profound declarations are now back among us as fervently appreciative as always. Let’s give these intellectually-intrepid souls a round of applause.“ he said as the members of the audience who had become physically overwhelmed by what they deemed to have been displays of divinely-inspired wisdom entered the auditorium via a side door looking none the worse for the wear.
“But now, enough with the unnecessary distractions!” the Master of Ceremonies declared smiling broadly as the stage-lights dimmed dramatically, and the spotlight from the upper balcony focused on him and the lectern behind which he stood. .
“The momentous moment has finally arrived, my dear, profound-wisdom aficionados. The moment we have all been anxiously waiting for ever since this competition commenced. The moment to award the winner with the trophy for his grand platitude composition. So hold onto your seats folks, cuz things are going to become absolutely monumental. Unfortunately, the third-place winner, Samantha Burgos, cannot be here because she declared herself indisposed."
The audience moaned to express its disappointment.
"But here is the brilliant saying that won her that third place:
“Do not lower yourself too far because your buttocks might be exposed." Of course, it is a bit enigmatic and she was scheduled to expound in depth concerning it. She did say that attending these ceremonies in her case would be tantamount to her symbolically exposing her buttocks. So that is the key that she provided for understanding this profound declaration.“
A sporadic and hesitant thunderous applause accompanied the Master of Ceremony’s hestitant explanation along with whispers and murmurings. Then, a slow and steady drumroll sounded as he produced a sealed purple envelope containing the second runner-up nominee’s name.
After withdrawing it from his back-pocket, and holding it at eye-level as the background drumroll reached a crescendo, he said:
“The second runner-up is Terquato Ketch with his profound saying of “Macac always knows what tree he climbs!” Mr. Ketch, what ever inspired you to come to such an understanding of human psychology and how did you attain the wherewithal of declaring it in such an eloquent manner?”
Terquato Ketch, a dark skinned man of very short stature a wearing exceedingly thick bifocal green-tinted glasses, which magnified his beady eyes and which were perched above an aquiline nose, merely humbly bowed his head, took the second place trophy and hurriedly walked off the stage without saying a word. Of course, he knew that his supposed original saying was as old as the Puerto-Rican hills and before someone who was familiar with it in the audience might reveal it and expose him as a fraud, it was best just to take the prize and leave. In short, Macac definitely did indeed know what tree he should climb! and this definitely wasn’t the one.
Turning beet-red from the embarrassment but choosing to ignore it, the Master of Ceremonies made as if nothing had happened as the audience bustled in confusion watching as the second placed winner left in a huff. Then Mr. Terquato stopped at the entrance, turned around and shouted!
“Macac knows what tree he should climb!” Then he disappeared into the cold and dark New York drizzling evening, thick, curly white hair whipped into a glorious frenzy by the New York stiff wind as he went.
The Master of ceremonies continued nervously:
“Well, that certainly was interesting, wasn’t it folks? Heh!” while blanching from embarrassment amidst the murmurs of the totally baffled audience. Then he hastily produced the next envelope from his pocket and lifting it to eye level as if inspecting a sacred document, and with a tremulous voice of deep reverence announced:
“The first-place winner, isssss, Mr. Jose Ignacio Verdacia from Brooklyn New York.” he shouted into the microphone as if he had been fanatically announcing the second coming of Christ. Step up to the podium my dear philosopher. Step right up my friend! Step right up!” he enunciated in an emotionally charged quavering voice as he greeted the winner with a broad smile on his pale, narrow face and applauded his approach towards the stage. What was the platitude that gave him the win, you are asking? This was the precious nugget of wisdom that won Mr. Verdacia the competition:
“There is no harm that doesn’t bring some benefit." This winning kernel of wisdom was then immediately displayed on the wide rectangular TV screen positioned high above the stage as the audience remained gazing at it in reverent awe.
“Certainly, a very profound observation and certainly worthy of the first-place award." the cadaverous skinny and exceedingly high-strung Master of Ceremonies said as he slowly rooster-strutted back across the stage towards the podium where Jose Ignacio Verdacia was standing clutching its sides with both hands in what looked like a death-grip.
"So how did you suddenly conceive of this very accurate and profound fact, Mr. Verdacia?" Rubenstein uttered in a deeper and far more solemn tone of voice in an effort to lend more gravity to what was historically transpiring. Meanwhile, Mr Jose Ignacio Verdacia, a short, balding, pot-bellied Latino of light complexion, somewhere in his late seventies, stood nervously gazing about self-consciously on the while cradling the huge silver cup engraved with the words, “Grand Philosopher of Profound Wisdom,” snuggly against his exceedingly prominent paunch.
For a long while, Mr.Verdacia remained standing motionlessly and silently, face swathed in cold nervous perspiration, behind the spotlighted, metal lectern, like a deer caught in headlights or as if he was struggling bravely against some inner demons that had suddenly decided to savagely assail him, or perhaps groping for the right words, as most in the audience had nobly chosen to assume?
Then, after what appeared to have been a superhuman effort, during which Verdacia’s large, dark, brown eyes shifted rapidly and maliciously from side to side as if he were about to bolt, and during which his unusually thin upper lip trembled spasmodically below his unusually thick, black mustache, he finally responded with a barely audible: “Thank you” and then hurriedly proceeded off the stage as if he had been in an urgent need to empty his urinary bladder. Caught completely by surprise, the embarrassed Master of Ceremonies had turned beat-red, but attempted to patch up the awkward situation by saying, “Well, folks, it seems like Mr. Verdacia has some extremely urgent personal need he has to attend to. But since he did honor us this evening by his brief presence, let’s all give him a big standing round of applause to show him our deep appreciation as he proudly takes his well-earned Best Platitude trophy home.”
The hall then resounded with thunderous applause of the grateful audience as Verdacia hurriedly proceeded through the appreciative audience in what appeared to have been a panicked state and finally, he decided to brashly exit the attendance hall by slamming his way through a side emergency exit door, stumbling headlong into the dark side alley, and disappearing into the shadows. No, he had not been in any desperate need of using the men's room due to some severe urinary bladder distress. Verdacia had simply been morbidly afraid of having to back up his award-winning platitude with hard evidence in support of its supposedly unquestionable and totally unassailable accuracy.
You see, since Verdacia knew that there were dozens of exceptions that could easily be used to unceremoniously and very swiftly shoot his platitude down, thus and proving it to have been genuine, unadulterated bull-manure, he had wisely decided that the best part of valor was simply to flee. Actually, he had initially entered the contest as a joke and had offered the most ridiculously absurd platitude that he could imagine. He had absolutely no confidence of winning. So when he received the victory-notice, he decided to collect the silver trophy and head straight for the nearest exit and then towards the nearest pawn shop in order to sell it and pocket the money, which is exactly where he went proving his platitude true, “Nothing bad happens without bringing something good.” In this case the money from selling the trophy being the consequence of the bad, the bad, of course, having been the whole ridiculous competition itself.
COMMENTS (2)
David Mahoney08/19/2021I just love tongue-in-cheek stories. Well doneReply
Radrook08/19/2021Thanks David, Much appreciate your feedback.
JD08/18/2021That was an intriguingly thought provoking, fun, and humorous read. Thanks, Radrook, and happy short story STAR of the day! :-)Reply
Radrook08/19/2021Thanks JD. Much appreciate it. Thanks for the star of the day award!
After a brief pause, allowing for the cheers and applause that he had requested, he continued:
“Oh, it has certainly been a grand occasion, and all the competitors have gloriously displayed a wisdom far beyond their years. The depth of their tongue-in-cheek declarations has left the audience breathless. In fact, the profundity of the wisdom repeatedly enunciated here tonight has induced some extremely sensitive souls in the audience to pass out due to the force of the sudden epiphanies which immediately ensued after certain declarations were revealed. But not to fear, my dears...” he said while rooster-strutting from one end of the stage to the other.
“...the cerebral synaptic overloads that were induced by these semantic brilliancies have worn off, and after just a few whifs of smelling-salts, our fellow lovers of profound declarations are now back among us as fervently appreciative as always. Let’s give these intellectually-intrepid souls a round of applause.“ he said as the members of the audience who had become physically overwhelmed by what they deemed to have been displays of divinely-inspired wisdom entered the auditorium via a side door looking none the worse for the wear.
“But now, enough with the unnecessary distractions!” the Master of Ceremonies declared smiling broadly as the stage-lights dimmed dramatically, and the spotlight from the upper balcony focused on him and the lectern behind which he stood. .
“The momentous moment has finally arrived, my dear, profound-wisdom aficionados. The moment we have all been anxiously waiting for ever since this competition commenced. The moment to award the winner with the trophy for his grand platitude composition. So hold onto your seats folks, cuz things are going to become absolutely monumental. Unfortunately, the third-place winner, Samantha Burgos, cannot be here because she declared herself indisposed."
The audience moaned to express its disappointment.
"But here is the brilliant saying that won her that third place:
“Do not lower yourself too far because your buttocks might be exposed." Of course, it is a bit enigmatic and she was scheduled to expound in depth concerning it. She did say that attending these ceremonies in her case would be tantamount to her symbolically exposing her buttocks. So that is the key that she provided for understanding this profound declaration.“
A sporadic and hesitant thunderous applause accompanied the Master of Ceremony’s hestitant explanation along with whispers and murmurings. Then, a slow and steady drumroll sounded as he produced a sealed purple envelope containing the second runner-up nominee’s name.
After withdrawing it from his back-pocket, and holding it at eye-level as the background drumroll reached a crescendo, he said:
“The second runner-up is Terquato Ketch with his profound saying of “Macac always knows what tree he climbs!” Mr. Ketch, what ever inspired you to come to such an understanding of human psychology and how did you attain the wherewithal of declaring it in such an eloquent manner?”
Terquato Ketch, a dark skinned man of very short stature a wearing exceedingly thick bifocal green-tinted glasses, which magnified his beady eyes and which were perched above an aquiline nose, merely humbly bowed his head, took the second place trophy and hurriedly walked off the stage without saying a word. Of course, he knew that his supposed original saying was as old as the Puerto-Rican hills and before someone who was familiar with it in the audience might reveal it and expose him as a fraud, it was best just to take the prize and leave. In short, Macac definitely did indeed know what tree he should climb! and this definitely wasn’t the one.
Turning beet-red from the embarrassment but choosing to ignore it, the Master of Ceremonies made as if nothing had happened as the audience bustled in confusion watching as the second placed winner left in a huff. Then Mr. Terquato stopped at the entrance, turned around and shouted!
“Macac knows what tree he should climb!” Then he disappeared into the cold and dark New York drizzling evening, thick, curly white hair whipped into a glorious frenzy by the New York stiff wind as he went.
The Master of ceremonies continued nervously:
“Well, that certainly was interesting, wasn’t it folks? Heh!” while blanching from embarrassment amidst the murmurs of the totally baffled audience. Then he hastily produced the next envelope from his pocket and lifting it to eye level as if inspecting a sacred document, and with a tremulous voice of deep reverence announced:
“The first-place winner, isssss, Mr. Jose Ignacio Verdacia from Brooklyn New York.” he shouted into the microphone as if he had been fanatically announcing the second coming of Christ. Step up to the podium my dear philosopher. Step right up my friend! Step right up!” he enunciated in an emotionally charged quavering voice as he greeted the winner with a broad smile on his pale, narrow face and applauded his approach towards the stage. What was the platitude that gave him the win, you are asking? This was the precious nugget of wisdom that won Mr. Verdacia the competition:
“There is no harm that doesn’t bring some benefit." This winning kernel of wisdom was then immediately displayed on the wide rectangular TV screen positioned high above the stage as the audience remained gazing at it in reverent awe.
“Certainly, a very profound observation and certainly worthy of the first-place award." the cadaverous skinny and exceedingly high-strung Master of Ceremonies said as he slowly rooster-strutted back across the stage towards the podium where Jose Ignacio Verdacia was standing clutching its sides with both hands in what looked like a death-grip.
"So how did you suddenly conceive of this very accurate and profound fact, Mr. Verdacia?" Rubenstein uttered in a deeper and far more solemn tone of voice in an effort to lend more gravity to what was historically transpiring. Meanwhile, Mr Jose Ignacio Verdacia, a short, balding, pot-bellied Latino of light complexion, somewhere in his late seventies, stood nervously gazing about self-consciously on the while cradling the huge silver cup engraved with the words, “Grand Philosopher of Profound Wisdom,” snuggly against his exceedingly prominent paunch.
For a long while, Mr.Verdacia remained standing motionlessly and silently, face swathed in cold nervous perspiration, behind the spotlighted, metal lectern, like a deer caught in headlights or as if he was struggling bravely against some inner demons that had suddenly decided to savagely assail him, or perhaps groping for the right words, as most in the audience had nobly chosen to assume?
Then, after what appeared to have been a superhuman effort, during which Verdacia’s large, dark, brown eyes shifted rapidly and maliciously from side to side as if he were about to bolt, and during which his unusually thin upper lip trembled spasmodically below his unusually thick, black mustache, he finally responded with a barely audible: “Thank you” and then hurriedly proceeded off the stage as if he had been in an urgent need to empty his urinary bladder. Caught completely by surprise, the embarrassed Master of Ceremonies had turned beat-red, but attempted to patch up the awkward situation by saying, “Well, folks, it seems like Mr. Verdacia has some extremely urgent personal need he has to attend to. But since he did honor us this evening by his brief presence, let’s all give him a big standing round of applause to show him our deep appreciation as he proudly takes his well-earned Best Platitude trophy home.”
The hall then resounded with thunderous applause of the grateful audience as Verdacia hurriedly proceeded through the appreciative audience in what appeared to have been a panicked state and finally, he decided to brashly exit the attendance hall by slamming his way through a side emergency exit door, stumbling headlong into the dark side alley, and disappearing into the shadows. No, he had not been in any desperate need of using the men's room due to some severe urinary bladder distress. Verdacia had simply been morbidly afraid of having to back up his award-winning platitude with hard evidence in support of its supposedly unquestionable and totally unassailable accuracy.
You see, since Verdacia knew that there were dozens of exceptions that could easily be used to unceremoniously and very swiftly shoot his platitude down, thus and proving it to have been genuine, unadulterated bull-manure, he had wisely decided that the best part of valor was simply to flee. Actually, he had initially entered the contest as a joke and had offered the most ridiculously absurd platitude that he could imagine. He had absolutely no confidence of winning. So when he received the victory-notice, he decided to collect the silver trophy and head straight for the nearest exit and then towards the nearest pawn shop in order to sell it and pocket the money, which is exactly where he went proving his platitude true, “Nothing bad happens without bringing something good.” In this case the money from selling the trophy being the consequence of the bad, the bad, of course, having been the whole ridiculous competition itself.
COMMENTS (2)
David Mahoney08/19/2021I just love tongue-in-cheek stories. Well doneReply
Radrook08/19/2021Thanks David, Much appreciate your feedback.
JD08/18/2021That was an intriguingly thought provoking, fun, and humorous read. Thanks, Radrook, and happy short story STAR of the day! :-)Reply
Radrook08/19/2021Thanks JD. Much appreciate it. Thanks for the star of the day award!