For Better or for Worse

     Joe Spadafara, a middle-aged, short statured man of tan complexion and features that strongly resembled those of the late actor Victor Mature, had been enjoying the first few years of the marriage with his wife Gertrude, a tall skinny woman of Nordic appearance of a very mild disposition, when it suddenly happened. She had been calmly standing in the kitchen fixing dinner for him, when suddenly, she was no longer his Gertrude. She had suddenly become this stranger who referred to herself as Helene. At first, it was a momentary thing that quickly passed. Then it began lasting for minutes then hours and then for a few days. Of course, he thought she was either joking or else trying to rattle him for some kind of gripe.

     “So now you are Helene and not Gertrude, right?” he always said in a half serious manner, totally expecting it to be a joke.

     “Gertrude?” she’d respond turning suddenly around to face him with a brazen expression on her ruddy face, an expression he had never seen her display before and which caused him to flinch.

     “Gertrude isn’t here right now whomever, Gertrude might be!” she would respond. He in turn would simply ignore her, calmly read his newspaper, or continue to watch his TV shows and go to bed and leave his wife hopefully extremely frustrated because her little charade had failed to rattle him as she had expected.

    But gradually, he began to think otherwise. You see, this stranger, who identified herself as Helene, was the complete opposite to the dainty religiously-inhibited woman he had married. Gertrude was shy, while Helene was outgoing. Gertrude was kind, while Helene was rude. Gertrude never used foul language, while Helene was constantly hurling obscenities. It was as if he had married a female Dr Jekyll and was now wedded occasionally to Mr’s Hyde. Of course, he loved her and tried to be patient.

     “Where were you today dear?” he began asking her whenever she disappeared

for hours without any notice.

     “I had important things to do, Mr Spadafora!” she would snap back while giving him a murderous look.

     “Oh really? Like what?”

     “Like it isn’t any of your damn business, sir. That’s what!” she would angrily say turning beet red.

     At that point, Joe Spadafara had enough, and finally decided to come clean with his wife Gertrude.

     “Now stop it honey! We both know that this is all just an act.”

     “Pardon me sir?” she said with a quizzical look on her ruddy plump face!

     “What the hey! You never call me sir! Stop with the acting already! What is it anyway? Something I said? Something I did? Is it something I forgot to do?”

     “To me those things are of no importance. In fact,” she paused in order to give him a disdainful look: “ ... you are of no importance sir!”

     “Really?”

     “Yes, really!”

     Then what you are asking me is for? A divorce? Right?”

    “Pardon me?” she uttered

     “Are you asking me for a divorce? Simple enough! I’m not speaking Chinese-you know? If that’s what you really want, all you needed to do was ask. You don’t have to be going through all this fake garbage!”

     “Me? Married to you?” she said giving Joe Spadafara a wide-eyed look of utter contempt as if her marrying such a man was far below her dignity.

     “If we aren’t married, then why are we living here together? Explain that!”

     “I thought you were a rent-paying tenant!”“

     “Paying rent in my own house?” Spadafara almost shouted.

     “Sir, if you don’t lower your voice, I will call the police and have you removed from, the premises. Furthermore, you are wasting my precious time.”

     “You wanna call the cops on me Gertrude? OK, then call them!” he shouted.

     “If it wasn’t that I needed your rent money, sir, I would, I assure you, I certainly would!”

     “You are joking right? Now honey, this has gone on far enough. Stop with the acting! If I have done anything I apologize. What is it you want money? I can withdraw some from the bank, and you can go on a shopping spree! How does that sound?”

     “Just pay your rent, Mr. Spadofara, and we are square!”

     Upon which joe Spadofara would throw up his hands and march off to the bedroom to sulk and ponder what to do next. What irked him most was that at such moments Helene would suddenly regain her Gertrude personality and behaved as if nothing unusual had been going on.

     “Your dinner is ready hon!” she’d suddenly say in the sweetest of voices as if nothing unusual had taken place.

     Finally, at the end of his rope, Joe decided taking the matter to a psychiatrist for advice. Of course, to Joe Spadafara, it was simply a case of some people putting on an act in order to gain some kind of benefit and the Psychiatrists would go happily along with it because they also made a profit in patient fees. But it was the only resource at his disposal and he took it for what it was worth.

    “So Joe, can I call you Joe?” the psychiatrist asked.

     “Yes, of course doctor!”

     “You say that these episodes your wife is having occur about twice a month?”

     “Yes, that is about right. Twice a month.”

     "Why isn’t she here with you?"

    Because when she is normal, she doesn’t recall anything having happened and when she is Helene, she is completely unmanageable.”

     “Nothing unusual Joe, some MPD’s, multiple personality disordered people, can recall their alternate personalities while others can’t. The important thing is to bring her to the office next time. Don’t get me wrong, I know that you are in a very difficult situation. It really is admirable that you remain with Helene and are trying to be supportive. However, your recommendation that she be committed to a mental institution can’t be done.

     You see Joe, unless she is a danger to you or someone else or to herself, we can’t have her committed without her consent and according to your description she is not. So we need to seek another way to solve this problem. Why not bring her here with you next time. Do you think you can convince her to come in so we can discuss this matter in more detail?”

     “I will try doc! ”

     Joe seemed to convince his wife that the reason she was going with him was for his benefit. During the next appointment Joe and Helene appeared at the psychiatrist’s office. She was sitting next to him calmly while he was fidgeting nervously as if expecting her to change to Helene at any moment or else under some other kind of distress. In turn, she kept eyeballing him and shaking her head.

     Both were called in and took a seat before the psychiatrist’s mahogany table behind which he sat with an intense scrutinizing gaze on them both as if he were examining bacteria in a petri-dish. So what exactly is the problem again Joe? I want you to explain it to me exactly the way you did the last time so your wife can hear it.

     “Who the hell is Joe!” Joe shot back with a look of utter confusion on his face. I don’t know of any Joe Spadofara! My name is Carlos Buenafuente!”

     “Haven’t I been telling you now for over a year doctor!” Gertrude said, shaking her head, “There he goes again! Right on schedule! Accusing me of being crazy when he’s the nut case!”