Post-Mortem Letter of Son to Father By Radrook
Nov 9, 2022 9:33:51 GMT -5
Post by Radrook Admin on Nov 9, 2022 9:33:51 GMT -5
Post-Mortem Letter of Son to Father
By Radrook
Your Indifference
It has been now approximately ten years since you passed away dad, and I still think about you every single day and can honestly say that I do miss you, even though we never were close or ever really got along, not because of me, but because of you and your un-fatherly ways such as your almost total disinterest towards me as an only son.
But please don’t misunderstand me. I do remember the good as well. For example, you were always present as someone that I could vaguely imagine as my father. The food at the table was because of your hard physical labor. The places I lived in were the result of the sweat from your brow as you regularly paid the rent. I can proudly say that you never did apply for public assistance even though you had an extremely hard time making ends meet.
Yes dad, your constant presence seemed as certain as the sunrise and sunset, and it added greatly to a my childhood sense of security.
I remember also the time that you went to the local store one late, winter’s evening to get me some child literature featuring Donald Duck when insistently prodded by my mother, and how you took the time to buy me that metal toy bus once. There is also a memory in my adolescence where you were willing to go with me to face those bullies who had attacked me and placed yourself in very serious physical danger for my sake.
Unfortunately, there are far more memories that I would much rather forget. Memories that stubbornly persist and which have gained more meaning as my ability to delve deeper into the intricacies of human motivations has increased.
Insights that seem to arrive suddenly as if from nowhere, and illuminate what had once been strong suspicions or uncertainties. These revelations have gradually modified my understanding of our relationship, and have revealed that you indeed owed me far more than the material things that you provided such as clothing, shelter, and food, and an occasional very brief interest that you barely and reluctantly displayed.
These sudden epiphanies have made me understand, that you neglected the far more important things necessary to nourish a human soul, especially the tender soul of an innocent child that urgently needed far more than those material things in order to thrive, better yet, in order to feel loved and cared for.
A child’s soul that desperately needed and constantly yearned the fatherly attention which you could have easily expressed via a simple hug, which you never gave, or a brief approving pat on my head, which you never even reluctantly provided, or else, by simply a friendly hello when arriving from work, which you also stubbornly refused to utter, as if uttering it would have inflicted some manner of intense psychological pain.
Or perhaps just calling me mijo, my son, or a brief, private conversation showing some slight interest in my schoolwork, or in any childish aspiration or any other concern typical of my childhood, something you never said and an interest that you never displayed.
Or else, at the very least, a casual look in my direction, or a brief meeting of our eyes, so that loving interest would have been conveyed. And yet, despite the twenty long years of living in the same small apartments, all I can ever visually recall is seeing your disinterested, silent, profile and nothing more.
It was as if even the mere sight of me offended your elevated sense of esthetics or else reminded you of some actual or imagined personal insult. I now very often wonder if it had been my birth that bothered you and led you to behave as if I had been your worse enemy, or some intruder that had suddenly appeared in your life to seriously disturb your peace.
Was that urgent need to give me away for adoption to my aunt, that I personally witnessed, based on that same desperate need to obliterate me from your presence? Or was it perhaps the deep disappointment that I didn’t physically resemble you and meet your specific racial aspirations the cause for your animosity? After all, I clearly recall your constant complaining that I resembled my mother who was of a Taina physical appearance, and not European-looking, like you. Was that it? Was that the primary reason for the animosity and intense isolation that you gratuitously and systematically inflicted on me for those twenty long years of fatherly silence, always making certain to turn your face away from me so that all that I would ever recall seeing as an adult would be your silent, disinterested profile?
Is that why you constantly treated me in that casually and meticulously calculated cruel way, dad? Stabbing me deeply and turning the knife? Was that it? Or the way in which you took sides with your sister and her daughter against me when I visited you that time at age 23 and practically threw me out of your house knowing full-well I had not the means to leave or nowhere I could go at that time? Simply because I had defended myself when your sister’s daughter insulted me? Is that also the reason why you went out of your way to ignore my kids whenever one was born and showed absolutely no interest in seeing any of them? In order to perpetuate your mission of disinterest, just in case I had not gotten the clear message yet at that later stage of my life? Was that it?
No, I don’t purposefully delve on these negative things, in fact, for most of my adult life I never did. But now that I am also at the end of this short journey that they call life, and review its positives and its negatives, and can now clearly see the strong connections between my childhood experiences and the quality of my existence, I can’t help but perceive a cause and effect connection between what you did, and how things have gone for me. In any case, may you rest in peace and may God forgive and be with you always. Your son who always loved you, still loves you, regardless of your flaws, and always will.
COMMENTS (3)
Gordon England09/18/2021
So well done, the mix of needing him and anger with disappointment. My father was almost as bad and I too had mixed feelings. I recently looked back at his childhood and being given away to an uncle, never to see his father again. I realized he replicated his father's fatherhood because he had no positive memories to fall back onto. I understand the why, but that does not make it better. I made sure to never be that way with my daughter.
Shirley Smothers09/11/2021
Sad and honest. I lost my Father in 2009. I was not close to him. As an Adult I realize he didn't show emotion because of how he was raised. Thank you for sharing.
Radrook09/12/2021
Thanks for the feeback. Much appreciated. Yes, I do understand that upbringing does have a great impact on how some parents behave towards their kids. I never held any grudge against him. Its simply that at this stage of my life I realize the damage t... Read More
Myree09/07/2021
I guess that's just how it is. It's quite strange how children have a bond with a such parents. I could relate to your story with my own mother who died last year. She was a terrible mother but I had this unbroken bond and loyalty to her. :- )Reply
Radrook09/07/2021
Thanks for the feedback Myree! Yes, it does see strange to others. My mother who was extremely annoyed at my father's attitude towards me could never understand why I still loved him as my father.