Post by Radrook Admin on Jun 16, 2019 15:36:24 GMT -5
The Struggle by Radrook
So it has finally come to this. It will either kill me or I will kill it. There is no way to avoid the dilemma. I have tried all other means but to no avail. I have pleaded for it to stop its relentless pursuit. I have taken evasive measures. Tried intimidations with blustering threats of annihilation, but on it came. Ever forward, ever persistent, until now I have been cornered with no way out standing alone in this arid wilderness with my back to a granite cliff wall as it had cunningly planned.
In the distant horizon, beneath the triple moons, glows the bright outline of the colony, the haven I was heading for before it appeared suddenly on a nearby dune, bulging red eyes staring malevolently, maneuvering for a deadly strike.
As always, it is wary of the sonic blaster and lashes out, whipping its barbed tentacles, attempting to dislodge it. It knows I only have one blast remaining and that it needs to count. It hesitates, hissing like a serpent and then, grips the purple sand before leaping from the dune above me. It descends with its double beaks aimed at my eyes and its six tentacles slashing at my throat. I evade its attack but one beak digs into my forearm exposing the bone. Screaming in agony, I stumble backwards against the cliff wall, struggling not to wretch from its stench.
Slowly, again it circles like some giant spider searching for another angle. It leaps once more, but this time I squeeze the trigger. The blaster sends oscillating sonic-waves into its gelatinous skull. It staggers back screeching in pain, red bulging eyes swiveling frantically. Then, suddenly, the night is silent and it lies motionless a few feet before me. Soon it will begin to vanish as it has done hundreds of times before. This re-emerging nightmare from my dreams, this unwanted abomination, this ever-present monster from my id.
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Comments
Review: by Sláinte -Junel
Hey there! I enjoyed reading this, great job.
First the ever boring nitpicks:
It knows I only have one blast remains and
I nearly missed this, but this sentence does not make sense. You could either change remains to remaining, or change it to say It knows only one blast remains , hesitates, hisses
This should be hissing.
This is very interesting and well written. I'm left wondering more about this character. I didn't quite get the ending, but upon looking at the link you gave Holysocks I realized the meaning of this piece. Maybe because people seem not to understand this either add that link to your actual piece here or add a short description of it.
Your beginning and ending are both very strong, pulling the reader in and giving them new information and meaning keeping it inside their thought even after finishing, but this strength isn't seen throughout the middle. The amount of description, although beautiful, makes this move slowly, with very slow paced action until the end. Speeding some of this up slightly would add a sort of natural flow so that a reader is pulled in and not let out until the end.
Anyway, I hope this review is helpful to you in your writing endeavors.
Sláinte -Junel
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Radrook says...
Thanks for the review. I will fix the typos. That happens when I modify and don't double check. My fault. I will take into serious consideration all the other advice. Thanks again.
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Review: by Socks
Hey there!
This is a cool piece of flash fiction! I wonder, is this a snap shot of something you're working on, or simply a piece of random inspiration you got to jotting down? As action goes, it's pretty cool! The thing I think you did pretty well with this is that the image of what was happening was mostly pretty easy to follow. In a lot of action scenes, it's super easy to get completely lost.
But I still wonder if there's a way you could bring a little more character into this.
All we see is someone we don't know fighting an alien(?) we don't know. So who are these people/creatures? Why are they fighting? How long have they been at this? (it sounded like a long time). Asking yourself these questions and answering some of them in your story can help readers have more of a pull to the story. Make us care and an action scene won't just be an action scene, it will be a battle to the death of epic proportions that we can't stop reading because we're rooting for your character.
It descends with its double beaks aimed at my neck and its six tentacles slashing at my throat. Wounded, I stumble backwards against the wall of the cliff and struggle not to wretch from its stench. I found this a little confusing. One minute the thing is headed for his throat, the next thing.. it's like we skipped a scene and it's already attacked his throat, yet we're not sure what exactly happened or how he got away from that. Maybe a little more explanation in there could help- because when reading it it seriously sounds to me like part of the narration is missing!
The one last thing I wanted to mention is, there's a lot of adjectives in here. Adjectives are fun to use because to us writers it feels like we're being more descriptive and showing more of the beautiful things in our mind. But really, adjectives aren't the way to go about this because they simply get in the way, slow the reader down, and are in general rather bulky! So basically what I'm going to suggest is try to use as little adjectives as possible- some people suggest cutting them out completely. But I think just trying to use them as little as possible is okay.
Anyways, I hoped this helps! Keep up the good work my friend! I'm looking forward to what you come up with next! C:
-Socks
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Radrook says...
Thanks for the review. Please note that the key to understanding the idea behind this is the last sentence. It seems as if you didn't understand the term ID. Perhaps I should have place a link to it.
www.verywell.com/what-is-the-id-2795275
Once one understands what the id is then one realizes that to add more details would deprive the ending of the intended punch.
About the piece itself, it is a relatively new one. I have another which is of a person who is also wandering on a desolate planet but which does delve deeply into his background ad uses characterization. Another I have has a whole crew which goes to a planet on an investigation. There too I use plenty of characterizations via providing background ad personality traits. But it isn't flashy fiction. More into the maybe four thousand word range.
So it isn't inability or ignorance of the necessity. It is a choice made in order to prevent ruining the ending by revealing the nature of the beast and the problem involved which would make this particular the ending unnecessary and leave me with the problem of coming up with another one.
I will take your advice about that scene and about the adjectives.
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