Your wish is my what? : By Radrook
Oct 24, 2022 11:00:53 GMT -5
Post by Radrook Admin on Oct 24, 2022 11:00:53 GMT -5
Your wish is my what?
by Radrook
“Not guilty your honor! I mean, how was I to know?”
“Mr. Mirabella! Are you trying to make a joke?”
“No, your honor!”
"Then don’t ask idiotic questions, or I’ll hold you in contempt!”
"No contempt intended, your honor!”
“Just proceed with your story. You have five minutes left.”
"You mean momentum. Right Mr. Mirabella?"
“And what is it that you are assuming that I would do, Mr. Mirabella?”
“I latched on to its nose with my false teeth and took him with me. “
“No, Mr. Mirabella! I would certainly not have latched on to its filthy nose with my teeth!”
“Then you would have used your gums, your honor”
Once more there was a flurry of giggles and laughter.
“Order in the court! Order in the court, I say, or I will have everyone thrown out!”
After order was restored, Mr. Mirabella continued:
“Don’t be ridiculous, Mr. Mirabella! You are imagining things."
“Well, OK. Case against me dismissed and verdict is in my favor, then, your honor?
"Your wish is my command! Mr. Mirabella!"
by Radrook
"The accused is charged with carelessly tossing a smoldering cigarette into a chemically-contaminated lake, resulting in a conflagration which quickly spread to land and totally obliterated a bungalow, and frightening a grazing bull moose into a stampede. The defendant is also accused of lassoing said bull moose, riding it rodeo style, and encouraging it to trample the plaintive, Mr. Hornacio Riviera. How does the defendant plead?"
“Not guilty your honor! I mean, how was I to know?”
“Well we know the defendant’s part, Mr. Mirabella, you have ten minutes to tell us what happened from your standpoint. Also, keep well in mind that you have been sworn in, and that any lie you tell can place you in contempt of court.”
"Well , it happened like this, your honor. This genie asks me what I want, and I tell him I want world peace. I mean, how more selfless can a feller get, your honor? You tell me. I could have asked to be filthy-rich, to live forever, or to have all the women I wanted. But no siree Bob! There I go again with my be-the-nice-guy attitude, and I gotta ask for that.
But hey! He did look like an honest fella, your honor. I mean, with his white turban and purple silk vest and trousers, and his floating on that carpet? I mean, sheesh! Whose gonna suspect anything from a guy whose been cooped up in a bottle for maybe ten-thousand years? I figured he'd be trying to be on his best behavior so he could get a break from the boss or something. But anyways, let me cut to the chase.
I wuz minding my own damn business reading a back issue of MAD Magazine and boiling me some eggs, your honor, when this white smoke all-of-sudden comes shooting out this bottle of soda I'd just bought at Seven Eleven. Now don't ask me to explain the whys of this, your honor, cause I can't.
"As I said, I mind my own business and expect people to mind theirs. Makes for peaceful living. So when this fella comes shooting out the bottle, I'm like, what the hell you doing barging into my room scaring the living shit outa me like that for? Well, he just stands there pleasant-like, with this idiotic grin on his purple face, and says that my wish is his command. I mean, I thought it was some loony that had bought one of those trick-smoke-bombs and had come in through the window via the fire-escape stairs. You know, as some kinda of a practical joke that the guys at work had set up, or something. Well, before I know it, he's making himself comfortable on my recliner, and telling me to hurry up and make my wish cause my wish is his command.
I mean, I could've pulled a gun on him, or taken a bat to his head. But instead, I said to myself, hey, let me humor the poor bastard. What could he do to me anyway? Why he was barely four-feet tall and as skinny as a rail. So I tell him that I wish for world peace. So he says some mumbo-jumbo, and I tell him to go screw himself, and before I could get in another blink, he's gone.
I tried to forget the whole thing. Didn't tell nobody cause they already think I'm half-loony, you know, living alone and all that, your honor? So I didn't wanna make things worse. So I tried to forget the whole thing.
But then, Well, all-of-a-sudden I get this letter telling me that I had won this piece of land in Canada. I didn’t give no importance to the word piece being spelled as PEACE at that time. I just said hey! If they made a mistake, that's their problem. So before you know it, I scrape up the five grand I had saved in the bank, and I go to inspect my property.
When I get there, I do notice that the locals, these little people who slightly resembled leprechauns, giggled whenever they saw me. I figured that they are all happy poor devils who like to see others succeed. You know, live vicariously, or something like that. Whatever! I says! I had more important things to do than to be trying to figure out why some local idiots went around mindlessly giggling and staring at me like that.
“So having put that shit in the back of my mind, I go to inspect the piece of land I'd won. Well, it was a fine-looking parcel. Included this bungalow by this this beautiful lake too. Very quiet place. So I go over and decided to light me a cigarette and have me a smoke as I planned Whether I wuz gonna live there or whether I would put it up for sale and pocket the money. Smoking always helps me concentrate, so I took real deep puffs. Once I made my decision, I casually flicked the cigarette-but into the lake and bam! Shazaam! and Great day in the morning! The whole damn thing went up in flames.
Hell! I jumped back and barely got away from getting myself cremated on the spot like the ducks that had been waddling in the water several feet away had. Worse still, my beautiful bungalow was on fire. So I started to calculate just how much less I would have to ask for my property now.
“That's when I heard the bellowing, your honor. I mean, I'm a country boy, your honor, from the deep south, grew up on a farm and all, with plenty of cows and bulls, but I'd never heard the likes of something like that. Sounded like a cross between a rhino and a hippo as far as I could tell from watching the Discovery Channel flicks. But I'm no expert. Besides, they can't interbreed, your honor, can they? “
There was a flurry of laughter in the court, and the judge used her mallet to restore order.
There was a flurry of laughter in the court, and the judge used her mallet to restore order.
“Mr. Mirabella! Are you trying to make a joke?”
“No, your honor!”
"Then don’t ask idiotic questions, or I’ll hold you in contempt!”
"No contempt intended, your honor!”
“Just proceed with your story. You have five minutes left.”
“Anyway, I'm standing there flicking the embers from outer my hair and thanking the powers that be that I was OK, and trying to figure out what the hellish noise was, when suddenly, I see this bull moose with antlers lowered galloping my way and hell-bent on disemboweling me.
“Don't get me wrong, your honor, I'm a fast runner. But that bull-moose was really moving, and running would do me no good. I figured that maybe he'd be happy with trampling me a bit and then let me go. But he was so enraged, that was not going to happen. So I decided to tire it out by hanging onto its antlers with all my three hundred pounds of dead weight. I saw it happen once at a rodeo-you know? Bull tired out and the cowboy got away. So I had high hopes I could pull it off. All I needed was the same determination. Anyway, as it got near, I jumped and grabbed its antlers. But that didn’t stop it from its charge. I think that it's tail must have been on fire or he was fearing flames gaining on him from behind.
“Anyways, it just so happened that one of those idiot giggling-locals I mentioned before, this old codger with a white beard down to his waist, was easing nature right in the path of where I and the bull were heading. The beast saw him and bellowed, but didn't stop. In short, the old codger got trampled. Of course, the bull-moose wasn't seeing what I was cause he was facing forward and I was facing backward hanging in to his antlers. So he didn't see the codger get to his feet and go for his shot-gun and aim it straight at us.
“You see, your honor, that's when the defendant over, there claims I yelled obscenities and urged the bull to turn around and trample him again. That ain't true your honor. What I did, your honor, was yell for the beast to run faster cause the old codger sitting over there now looking innocent, was aiming that shotgun and it looked like it was gonna either hit the bull's rump or catch me right between the eyes.
Well, your honor, I think that the bull got the gist of what I was yelling after the first blast singed its rump and the second trimmed off a part of an ear. That's when it reared up, pivoted on one hind-hoof...”
Well, your honor, I think that the bull got the gist of what I was yelling after the first blast singed its rump and the second trimmed off a part of an ear. That's when it reared up, pivoted on one hind-hoof...”
“Just a second there Mr. Mirabella. How do you know that the bull moose pivoted on one hoof? You said that you were hanging on to its antlers."
“Well, your honor, I done a lot of horse-riding in my days, and believe me, the only way that moose could of made that sharp turn was to pivot on one hind hoof.’
“So you didn’t actually see the moose pivot on one hind hoof. You just assume that it pivoted on one hind hoof! Correct Mr. Mirabella?"
‘Correct your honor. But you can bet your bottom-dollar, that If I say that the bull moose pivoted on one hind hoof that is exactly what the blithering, mangy bastard did your honor, pivoted on one hind hoof.”
“Mr. Marabella! You will keep your vocabulary in check or be held in contempt!” “Sorry your honor, but when the moose pivoted on that one hind hoof, I wrenched my back something fierce all because of the defendant over there and his shot-gun blast. Anyway, your honor, the defendant sidestepped into a briar-patch and we shot by him and heading straight towards this latrine spillover ditch. I mean, soon as the bull moose saw the latrine pit, it slid to a stop and I lost my death grip on its antlers because of memento.
"You mean momentum. Right Mr. Mirabella?"
"Whatever, your honor! Anyways, Since I didn't wanna land in the latrine spillover ditch, I did what any normal human bean, including you, your honor, would do.”
“And what is it that you are assuming that I would do, Mr. Mirabella?”
“I latched on to its nose with my false teeth and took him with me. “
“No, Mr. Mirabella! I would certainly not have latched on to its filthy nose with my teeth!”
“Then you would have used your gums, your honor”
Once more there was a flurry of giggles and laughter.
“Order in the court! Order in the court, I say, or I will have everyone thrown out!”
After order was restored, Mr. Mirabella continued:
“As I was saying, I didn't wanna fall into that infernal festering ditch either. So when it started trying to fling me off by flailing its head back and forth and from side-to-side like, I held on for dear life, it lost its footing, and we both went over. That's God's honest truth your honor, and I'm as honest as I am ugly mam!"
“So you are filing a counter-suit for the physical and emotional pain and suffering and doctor bills?"
“Yes, your honor. I suffer excruciating back pain, and brain damage I sustained has left me with annoying, and persistent hallucinations that the world is at total peace. Which brings me back to the genie, and my wondering why both you and the defendant over there, resemble him.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Mr. Mirabella! You are imagining things."
“Well, OK. Case against me dismissed and verdict is in my favor, then, your honor?
"Your wish is my command! Mr. Mirabella!"
Story can also be read here:
www.storystar.com/story/21479/radrook/fiction/fairy-tales-fantasy
www.storystar.com/story/21479/radrook/fiction/fairy-tales-fantasy