New Normals by bpmzcpl: Linked to other Reviews
Apr 4, 2020 7:35:27 GMT -5
Post by Radrook Admin on Apr 4, 2020 7:35:27 GMT -5
New Normals
by bpmzcpl
by bpmzcpl
Review
I like the intensity of the poem. The poet is totally involved and the pacing is appropriate to the theme which is suffering accompanied by a stubborn unrelenting determination to overcome all obstacles in his way.
Reminds me of the poem that ends with "You'll be a an my son!" and another called Invictus which refers to his soul as unconquerable. Such poems have encouragement value for those of who have experienced or else are under similar duress.
Thanks for sharing.
Suggestions
It is good to be specific and not limit the descriptions of sufferings to generalities. Generalities leave a reader wondering about what specifically happened. For example, If I say I was ill, the question is in what way? Or if I say things changed, the reader will ask how? After all, things can change in an infinite number of ways.
How does the reader know if the person is not complaining about a change that is good? How do I know that the speaker isn't a dictator complaining about how he can no longer have his way with the helpless and that is bothering him? You see, I can't know unless I know the details. Of course I can assume that the reasons are noble.
But that requires trust and we as writers are speaking to an audience of strangers. So why should we expect them to trust that we are not defending injustices and complaining about things that are righteous? Being specific removes that obstacle. It serves like an anchor on which our evaluation of the content is more firm.
Lay carelessly strewn [lie carelessly]
Heart visible on sleeve. [clitche']
All normality wrenched, shred [shredded]
Hope glitters in heart [ use of heart is considered clitche']
I would not place the paragraphs in that way. It made me hesitate to read it. It distracted me during the reading.
[ Edit ]
Reminds me of the poem that ends with "You'll be a an my son!" and another called Invictus which refers to his soul as unconquerable. Such poems have encouragement value for those of who have experienced or else are under similar duress.
Thanks for sharing.
Suggestions
It is good to be specific and not limit the descriptions of sufferings to generalities. Generalities leave a reader wondering about what specifically happened. For example, If I say I was ill, the question is in what way? Or if I say things changed, the reader will ask how? After all, things can change in an infinite number of ways.
How does the reader know if the person is not complaining about a change that is good? How do I know that the speaker isn't a dictator complaining about how he can no longer have his way with the helpless and that is bothering him? You see, I can't know unless I know the details. Of course I can assume that the reasons are noble.
But that requires trust and we as writers are speaking to an audience of strangers. So why should we expect them to trust that we are not defending injustices and complaining about things that are righteous? Being specific removes that obstacle. It serves like an anchor on which our evaluation of the content is more firm.
Lay carelessly strewn [lie carelessly]
Heart visible on sleeve. [clitche']
All normality wrenched, shred [shredded]
Hope glitters in heart [ use of heart is considered clitche']
I would not place the paragraphs in that way. It made me hesitate to read it. It distracted me during the reading.
[ Edit ]