Red Plains by OddlyPlaced
Apr 2, 2020 13:02:46 GMT -5
Post by Radrook Admin on Apr 2, 2020 13:02:46 GMT -5
Red Plains by OddlyPlaced
Review
Interesting story concerning a warrior who describes a battle in which he is mortally wounded. The story is told in the present tense. As if it is occurring as the warrior is speaking to us. I like that approach because it strives to get the reader into the center of the action. Make us feel as if we are right there in the middle of things sharing in the danger. experiencing the horrible heat, flinching at the hordes of showering arrows incessantly our way. Seeing the death of fellow warriors and wondering why we are following a fool as a leader and wondering how such fools get into leadership positions in the first place. Is this an allusion to our present USA situation? LOL!
Thanks for sharing this interesting story. Below are suggestions, Please feel free to ignore any that you feel are not helpful. Apologies if I offend in any way. Not my intention.
1. Try to remain in one tense, either present or past. Do not shift.
2. Provide physical descriptions of the people involved
3. Provide more detailed description of military deployment.
How are crossbowmen able to take aim at the approaching enemy with the pike-men in front? Describing them as positioned on higher elevation, such as on a knoll, or hill behind the pike-men, would clarify.
4. Show do not just tell.
In what way are these enemies from the East beasts? What exactly have they done to deserve that dishonorable hateful title? Inform the reader so he can also feel the hatred and long for their destruction.
5 Name choice:
"None of us had ever gotten to see Roger lead any army before, we just knew that he had in the past."
Another name, a more medieval name other than Roger is better. Roger Rick, and Mr Roger's Neighborhood came to my mind.
6. Punctuation suggestions:
We [are]outmatched and outnumbered, soon many[,] if not all of us[,] will have arrows ....
7. Imagery or Description Suggestions:
Brief descriptions of persons spoken about would provide visual imagery. Please keep in mind that a reader does not see, taste, hear, touch, or smell anything unless provided with imagery.
In short. imagine that the reader is totally dependent on us for such things. That will motivate us into providing the hints that will gradually fill out the scenery and the people within the scenery so that they become more than just references by a speaker or disembodied voices.
It doesn't have to be all at once, it can be done gradually until the cumulative effect is that the reader finally knows how the persons look.
A reference to voice-texture, such as deep, squeaky, gruff, raspy, or eye shape such as almond, big a round, slanted. oriental or color such as hazel, blue, brown, , hair texture such as straight, curly, woolly, wavy, or body type, such as stout, fat, muscular, slim, lanky, or to the smell stench or aroma of the places such as musty, prurient, wet-ragged, etc, can make the surrounding come alive, and have the reader feel what you want him to see and feel emotionally as you wish him to feel about both characters and location.
It all depends on what emotions we as writers are trying to arouse in the reader. Are we seeking revulsion, fear, worry, admiration, confidence, contentment wonder awe, pity, compassion, hatred lust, desire, longing, All of these require different imagery. But rest-assured, they all require imagery if we are to have the reader feel the way we intend them to feel. If we merely tell them, that will not suffice and will leave them flat emotionally.
In short, we need to show and not just tell.
8. Believableness:
Keep it Believable:
It is good to avoid impossible scenarios which weaken reader acceptance. Please note that If speartips are sizzling hot, then such heat would not allow armor to be worn because the armor would also be as scorching hot as the spear tips making them unwearable. So believability is weakened.
How does a horse escape all those arrows aimed directly its way? I would have him ride away hit by at least a few. ]
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Specificity:
....began calling out orders to us and appointing certain men to lead certain sections of the army.
[Exactly what sections of the army? Exactly which men were appointed? The reader will suspect that the writer doesn't know how that army how this army is organized. Also, generalities do not convey images. Certain people, certain place, a certain number all all very vague descriptions conveying no image at all. Remember imagery! Imagery Imagery is the key.
Also, how many are on Mr Roger's side? 100? 200? 1000? 10,000? 30,000? As a reader. The reader has no way of knowing unless informed. How does Mr. Roger look? Is he old? Young? Tall, Short? White? Black? Oriental? Round faced? Square- faced? How does the armor he wears look? What is the geographical terrain look like? Are they in a valley with their backs to a river as the Romans were against Hannibal in one of their battles? Do they have the high ground? As a reader I see nothing. I only hear a voice telling me vague things. See the point?
Avoid Unnecessary repetition:
The stream of men flowing from the horizon seemed as if it would never stop,and our foes are as deadly as they are intimidating.
[That has been repeated already several times. No need for further repetition. Such repetition is considered padding which does nothing to keep the story going or in holding reader interest.
All in all a very interesting read and an admirable enthusiasm displayed by a writer who shows great potential.