Post by Radrook Admin on Mar 26, 2020 5:02:56 GMT -5
The Rescue: by Radrook
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content in Spanish..
“This is Captain Arnaldo Cardona Carraballo Calderon, transmitting once more, and for the one-hundredth time from the Saggitarian Exo-Planetary Station XO11560.
Please be informed, that a mysterious malady has erupted and killed everyone here but me. I have been patiently awaiting for the promised arrival of your rescue ship, El Aguila Veloz, now for the past two years. Can you cabrones, hijos de putas, somehow find it in you festering hearts to finally come and take me off this God-forsaken rock?”
There was a long pause filled with static, before the barely-audible response finally arrived..
“Message received. This is captain Eusebio Pedroza of the starship Aguila Veloz. You say an epidemic? What exactly is the nature of this epidemic, might I ask?”
“Thank God! I finally got through!"
"Again, what was the nature of this epidemic?"
"As far as we could tell, it was sudden reduction of all bodily functions at a cellular level. I need immediate evac.”
There were suddenly unearthly mumblings, rustlings, chirpings, and some growls followed by static. Then:
“Ummm, and how exactly is it that you escaped such a deadly plague, Captain Caraballo?”
“That’s what I was hoping you could tell me once I am on your vessel. When can you be here?”
“Did your medical staff run any tests?”
“Madre de Dios! More questions? They couldn’t. The medical staff was wiped out within a matter of a few hours. OK?”
“Strange!”
“Of course it is strange! But more strange is why you haven’t come to pick me up yet.”
“How do we know you aren’t the source of this epidemic captain Caraballo?”
“Are you supposed to be asking me this instead of getting me out of here?”
“Standard procedure captain Caraballo. Standard procedure. The way you describe this disaster, we might get wiped out as soon as we put you on an anti-grav gurney.”
“Is this some kind of a joke?”
“Is it a joke for my whole crew to get wiped out to rescue just one man? Better yet, if such a devastating, unidentified plague would find its way back to Earth, it could prove unstoppable. At least if you could give us some clue. What exactly were your symptoms?”
“What symptoms. I just told you that I was not affected. People just started dropping like flies for no observable reason.”
“Really? Yet here you are talking to us alive and well. Did you consume something the crew didn’t, that might have provided you with immunity?”
“No, we all ate and drank the same things. Standard-issued supplies from Earth-regulated suppliers. Can you get me out of here now?”
“Anyone there involved in contraband?”
“This is crazy! Of course not! Outpost administrator, Eusebio De La Vega, may he rest in peace in his chair over there at the computer room, always ran a tight operation here.”
“Any staff or crew-members from some non-human, uncharted regions perhaps?”
“No, only humans.”
“Your human crew didn’t by any chance deviate into the Sagittarian quarantined sector for some illegal R and R prior to your arrival, did they?”
“Didn't I just tell you that captain Eusebio De La Vega ran a tight operation. The bastard was a fanatical stickler for rules. In fact, he was a pain in the ass. Can you get me off this rock now?”\
“We understand your plight Captain Caraballo. We aren’t exactly lacking in compassion. But you must realize that we need details so that our medical staff can provide themselves with the needed protection from whatever it is you people were infected with. Were you able to take blood samples and examine them under the microscope?
“Examine them under the microscope? You don’t seem to get the picture yet do you? As soon as everyone began falling like flies I locked myself in the instalation's messroom.”
“Strange that no one else followed.”
“Well, after they noticed I was surviving, they did try to get in, but I couldn’t very well let them contaminate me, now could I?”
“In other words you refused them mercy without knowing their medical condition because you feared for your safety?” Caraballo hesitated before responding to that question. But having maneuvered himself into a corner, he found no other way out.
“It might be interpreted that way but--!”
“But now you want us to do the opposite for you, don't you?”
”That wasn’t my job! In contrast this is yours!”
“True, but within the parameters of sanity and prudent judgment.”
“In other words, you are just going to leave me here to die?”
“Well Captain Caraballo, let’s put it this way. Under the rules of space exploration, we are instructed to deal with this situation in a very methodical manner. First we determine what the problem is. Second, we look for viable and safe methods to assist. Third, if assistance is deemed impossible, we can ignore the transmission. We can also categorize the location as an unacceptable, virulent threat and submit it to a sterilizing concentration of intense Gamma Ray bombardment.”
“In other words, what you are telling me is that I am as good as dead, right?”
"Well captain Caraballo, look at the bright side. You out-lasted everyone else for a full six years. So you were not that unlucky, now were you? Especially since you locked everyone else out from the only section that was maybe uninfected-and appropriated it for yourself. You got off easy."
"You call this, getting off easy? How the hell is this getting off easy?”
“You could have been charged with murder! Sentenced and exiled to one of the prison asteroids in the Kuiper Belt. You know what they do to prisoners there-don’t you? They castrate them in order to reduce aggressive tendencies.”
“So in other words, I’m screwed!”
“Besides, we were in orbit and about to land when we received your last transmission laced with your gratuitous, unforgivable insults.”
“You were that near just a while ago and turned back? Is that what all this is really about? Because I was frustrated and spoke in anger? You have my apologies. Where are you now? Are you still in orbit? “
“Unfortunately, Captain Caraballo, your insult, involving spouse infidelity, and the immorality of mothers, reached the ears of our mother-worshiping alien crew-members who almost went berserk. Our chief medical officer wanted to personally decapitate you. The others wanted to boil you alive in festering urine of the Gava Beasts. It was only my intervention that saved you from such a horrible fate.”
“What kind of a rescue ship is this? This is outrageous, the Interplanetary Exploration Authorities will be informed of this!”
"Well, I'm afraid that won't be possible Captain Caraballo. You see, all planetary surface transmissions to Earth are being blocked. Next time, watch what you say and to whom you say it, or be aware of whom might be listening. It can prove very costly.
"But I apologized! Please don't--"
"This is captain Eusebio Pedroza of the Starship El Aguila Veloz signing out."
"Transmission terminated,"
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Metamorphosis wrote a review...
Hey Radrook. This was quite an enjoyable read. The vocabulary was colourful, the dialogue was realistic, and the pacing was excellent. I really liked how the story developed gradually but very satisfyingly. No line of writing was wasted: with each sentence, the reader learned something new about the story, its characters and the circumstances they were in. Your writing style is also very unique.
There isn't a lot to say in terms of grammar, besides the fact that you were rather sparing in your use of commas, while you could benefit with using them more often. Not only would that make some of the sentences easier to read and feel more natural, but it could also add some stylistic flare to your writing.
There was a long pause filled with static before the barely-audible response came.
This sentence would be more effective if you put a comma between "static" and "before", as it would prolong the wait for the response and effectively make the reader experience the moment more vividly alongside your character, Caraballo.
My only other criticism is the way that the dialogue was expressed. Did you deliberately opt against using verbs of speech, such as "said", "gasped" or "cried"? Because a lack of these verbs makes it much harder for the reader to picture the tone of voice of a character, and subsequently their demeanour and relationship with other characters. This is especially true in prose. For example, a simple verb detailing the tone of voice could give the sentence "Strange!" very different meanings, whether it's uttered as an exclamation or more as a sarcastic grunt. If you would rather not deal with constantly adding verbs, or at least some sort of action to denote a character's moods (mind you, it's not necessary to add a verb to EVERY line of dialogue), then perhaps this would have been better off written in script format, as in drama? But even then, there would still be some stage directions denoting the tone of voice, as such specifications are quite necessary in storytelling to get the full picture of the scene.
That's all I have to say. Once again, I enjoyed reading this, congrats on writing such a good story.
(P.S. I know this was rated 18+ and I'm not 18, but I'm close enough and these kinds of things don't really bother me so...)
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review. Glad you enjoyed it. I will add that comma and see if I can also improve it by applying the other things you mention. Thanks for the help.
LadyOkra wrote a review...
Some errors I noticed:
Can you get me out of here now?.”
your insult involving infidelity and the morality of mothers reached the ears of our mother-worshiping alien crew members who almost went berserk.
I really liked it! I love how the whole plot unravels in a conversation between two people. Poor Captain Carabello. Although he's doomed to the fate that follows partly due to what has come out of his very own mouth, I'm very much inclined to feel sorry for him. Partly because I feel Captain Eusebio cannot be exercising his own ideals of justice. Then again, what Carabello did to save himself is very much questionable. And I can see how saving a single man could end up jeopardizing the safety of Eusebio's entire crew.
I enjoyed reading this quick bit. There weren't many flaws with regards to grammar and that made the reading very much pleasurable.
Do write more! Good luck.
Cheers.
Radrook says...
Thanks for the encouraging words. Yes, true. But did Eusebio really have t give him false hope? If he didn't intend to rescue Captain Caraballo, then why engage him in such a prolonged conversation? I have come across that tactic various times. Was wondering if you have.
BTW
I will fix the punctuation. Thanks for the help. Much appreciated.