The Ordeal: Flash Fiction by Radrook Reviews Included
Mar 26, 2020 3:22:38 GMT -5
Post by Radrook Admin on Mar 26, 2020 3:22:38 GMT -5
The Ordeal: Flash Fiction
by Radrook
Eyes agape and minds benumbed, we plunge amidst screams and the thundering of metal-on-metal beneath our feet. Knuckles white, we grimace and struggle to hold on. The once placid scenery, the ocean, the beach, the white, billowing clouds which had adorned our sky and fascinated us, no longer matter. They have ceased to exist, and are now a distant memory from another reality which no longer holds meaning.
Gravitational force, centrifugal, angular momentum, proclaim their rule, and we are merely appendages waiting to succumb. Those who lack teeth grind their gums, and those who have them, grind them into powder. Believers in God pray for his help, begging fervently to be spared. Atheists just hold on. The next turn could prove the last. The next vertical plunge, our final scream, before everything fades into blackness, and the roller-coaster ride finally stops.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flash_fiction
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Nobunaga wrote a review...
Hello!
I burst out laughing at the end of this. I was so convinced this was something serious! I was expecting like, I don't know, some huge crash or natural disaster or something. Seriously man, this was so good. I'm still smiling as I write this.
I don't have much to say review-wise though. I'm forcing myself to be nitpick-y in order to have some real feedback so let's get started!
First off, I think your opening line would hold more punch as a short statement. So, instead of
Eyes agape and minds numbed, we plunge amidst screams and the thundering of metal on metal beneath our feet.
maybe you could say "Eyes agape and minds numbed, we plunge.", and leave that as an opener. This is just my opinion though. I favor punchy openers myself.
The once placid scenery, the ocean, the beach, the white, billowing clouds which had adorned our sky and fascinated us, no longer matter.
Okay, two things with this quote. The first is the comma I added in bold, and the next is the tense used in the word "matter". If I'm thinking correctly, it should be "mattered". The only reason I say that is because, whenever you remove the things in between the commas, the sentence is still supposed to make sense. If you remove everything from "the ocean" to "fascinated us", "The once placid scenery no longer matter." doens't make any grammatical sense. I just wanted to bring that to your attention.
Lastly, this
The next vertical plunge our final scream is a bit awkwardly worded. I think a comma or some extra words thrown in there might clear things up. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this! It was absolutely hilarious. Plus, I didn't really know what Flash Fiction was supposed to be before you added in the handy link. Thank you for the entertaining read!
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review. I will give serious consideration to your suggestions. Thanks for the help. Glad you liked the story. It is based on what happened to me when I was approx five years old and almost got killed on a rollercoaster at New Yorks Coney Island. Lucky to be alive.
Nobunaga says...
Woah, seriously? I'm sorry for laughing then. I thought you were trying to be funny... I'm honestly very sorry. I didn't know.
Radrook says...
No, it's perfectly alright. It is funny in a way since the reader doesn't expect that ending. I knew of its potential humorous effect when I wrote it.
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123pinkrose wrote a review...
I really liked it. It is short but it is still packed with detail. It perfectly captures the end of the world. One thing I noticed is that the final sentence is missing a verb but just add "is" after plunge will fix that. But other than that I can not think of much I could critique. I think it is really good.
I also have never heard of flash fiction before but I loved this so I may check some more of these out.
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review. As you can see, Flash fiction can be very brief. The top limit is usually approx 1000 words. I appreciate your advice. Thanks for the help.
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manilla says...
I have no words for this. Seriously.
But the symbolism game in this flash fiction piece is very strong, that I can say.
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review and encouragement. Much Appreciated.