A Habitual Criminal Speaks by Radrook reviews included
Mar 26, 2020 2:45:57 GMT -5
Radrook Admin likes this
Post by Radrook Admin on Mar 26, 2020 2:45:57 GMT -5
A Habitual Criminal Speaks
by Radrook
So, here I am, finally where I belong, in a cubicle barely big enough to fit, with this fellow who stinks like a pig, and farts all the time, as a cell-mate. Finally, after all this time, I have reached my goal. WOW! Almost thought I had failed, for a moment there!
Got away too many times. Cops couldn’t lay a hand on me. Too good for my own good, if you know what I mean. Others did just fine, snatched a few things from a store, mugged a few senior citizens, sucker-punched some cripple on the street, an voilà! instantly arrested and imprisoned. Not me. Me? I seemed to be invisible for some freakin reason. Always kept escaping notice. Cops din't seem to wanna see me, or what I was doing
The few bullets they shot my way, always hit someone else. You know? For a minute there, I really thought I had bad luck. I mean, everyone else was getting the breaks, free food, free gym, free education, free everathang , and day dint even havta break no sweat.
Me? Heh! Heh! I broke and entered into homes and businesses, mugged, and raped, but nuffin ever happened. Always got off Scott-free. Soon as the judge would see me, he’d crack this big, wide smile as if promising to drop charges. Or else witnesses would suddenly accuse someone else who was my spittin image. It got to be uncanny-you know? I mean, how many spittin images can a fellow have?
Well, finally, here I am! Exactly where I wanted to be all along. Home free and comfy. Too bad they arrested me for somethin I never done-did though. That beating-up of some Macdonald’s hamburger-flipper, and dunking his face into the unflushed toilet bowl, wuz done by one of my spittin images-not me.
by Radrook
So, here I am, finally where I belong, in a cubicle barely big enough to fit, with this fellow who stinks like a pig, and farts all the time, as a cell-mate. Finally, after all this time, I have reached my goal. WOW! Almost thought I had failed, for a moment there!
Got away too many times. Cops couldn’t lay a hand on me. Too good for my own good, if you know what I mean. Others did just fine, snatched a few things from a store, mugged a few senior citizens, sucker-punched some cripple on the street, an voilà! instantly arrested and imprisoned. Not me. Me? I seemed to be invisible for some freakin reason. Always kept escaping notice. Cops din't seem to wanna see me, or what I was doing
The few bullets they shot my way, always hit someone else. You know? For a minute there, I really thought I had bad luck. I mean, everyone else was getting the breaks, free food, free gym, free education, free everathang , and day dint even havta break no sweat.
Me? Heh! Heh! I broke and entered into homes and businesses, mugged, and raped, but nuffin ever happened. Always got off Scott-free. Soon as the judge would see me, he’d crack this big, wide smile as if promising to drop charges. Or else witnesses would suddenly accuse someone else who was my spittin image. It got to be uncanny-you know? I mean, how many spittin images can a fellow have?
Well, finally, here I am! Exactly where I wanted to be all along. Home free and comfy. Too bad they arrested me for somethin I never done-did though. That beating-up of some Macdonald’s hamburger-flipper, and dunking his face into the unflushed toilet bowl, wuz done by one of my spittin images-not me.
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wendylau98 wrote a review...
Hey there, hope in for a quick review! I may not be the great reviewer around here, but I'll do my best as I am still learning. If there is anything offensive/incorrect I said. Please do reply here or PM me! Just please don't hunt me down or haunt my nightmares! Welcome gift and donation all the time.
Hope my quick is promising quick.
And here I am thinking he is some kind of Hermes. God of mischieve and yet can get away from everything.
It is hilarious to see this perspective of prison. Making the best of situation. The mischevious persona really matches the story instead of a down-spirit human. This is what humour should be instead! I don't read much of humour but for some reason this attracted me. And I have not regret even the slightest bit.
After reading with a tone down from spelling checks. I realize it was talking in a slang./ street language after reading the word nuffin. However, it
everythang (everything) and day (they) (thay) a part of the slang or a genuine spelling mistake?
Karma, a spitting image that finally lands him in jail.
Awesome work Radrook!
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review abd encouraging words. Yes, I threw that "day"" in there to emphasize his level of low education. I could have taken it to the extreme for the sake of considency but that muight have made it less readable. So I chose just to hint at it in some spots.
lelu wrote a review...
Hey, Radrook! This is pretty well done. The dialogue is funny, though at first he sounds too educated. You need an apostrophe after "spittin." Also, you should leave off the G both times you use the word, just for the sake of consistency, because this guy needs to be more consistent. The first sentence needs to be broken up, I think. "instantly arrested and imprisoned" needs a capital I. I can't see many other issues. You left a space out in your sentence about everyone else getting the breaks. "I broke and entered..." needs some work. It would be better like, "I broke and entered, mugged, raped, and nuffin' (note apostrophe) happened. I got off scot-free." Which, by the way, is how I've seen "scot-free" in other works. "Well, finally here I am!" needs a comma after "finally." You misspelled "done." "Beating-up" doesn't need a hyphen. Also, when you use a hyphen like a dash, it's better as a double hyphen, so people don't get confused. Lastly, I liked this. It's pretty good.
Radrook says...
Thanks for the advice. I will take it into serious consideration.
CorruptedArrow wrote a review...
Hey Corrupted Arrow here with a review!
(The Comma Police is here! Anything I say here is just constructive criticism. If i offend you I apologize in advance.(I will try to be humorous.)
"Cops dint seem to wanna see me or what I was doing." Let's try 'didn't' instead of 'dint'.
"...everathang and day dint even have to break no sweat." And We are leaving the grammar station at an alarming rates! Everything instead of 'evrathang' and Didn't for 'dint'.
From what I can see you don't have any grammar and/or comma mistakes. Keep up the writing, have a good day.
Radrook says...
Thanks for the feedback. I was trying to convey how the person talks. It dint woik? LOL!
CorruptedArrow says...
Haha!!
Radrook says...
BTW
There's a lot of such characters talking that way and roaming around where I live. Hoping to get in some trouble to go back to prison.
deleted22 wrote a review...
I love the sort of Western quality of this persona. I can visualize them speaking and that creates the rest of the setting for me. Very good dialect and consistency within the character's personality.
It would be awesome if we saw this person interacting with other people in the near future!
Great work.
Radrook says...
Thanks for the review ad encouraging words. Good idea about further developing the character. Thanks!