What the Hell are You? By Radrook
Nov 10, 2022 12:09:10 GMT -5
Post by Radrook Admin on Nov 10, 2022 12:09:10 GMT -5
What the Hell are You?
By Radrook
The old astronomy professor had been calmly gazing up at the stars through his backyard telescope, and pondering the mind-boggling vastness of the universe. Billions of stars and billions of galaxies not counting the undetectable universe, which might be to us as the Earth is to an atom. When suddenly, as if out of nowhere, he was interrupted.
“Excuse me! Excuse me!” the little blue-skinned, red-crested, pug-nosed alien said in a high-pitched voice while tugging several times on the professor’s shirt-sleeve.“ Are you an astronomer?” it asked rhetorically in order to get a conversation going.
“What the hell?” the professor yelled as he suddenly realized what it was that had interrupted his gazing at the star Antares. It was his day off from work at the university, and this was the way that he usually chose to relax. Of course, at his age, relaxation was of paramount importance. But now, dammit! his heart was pounding rapidly like a horse after finishing a race, and he feared himself on the verge of a heart attack or possibly a stroke as he backed away from the small figure that had suddenly appeared as if from nowhere, and had tugged gently on his shirt-sleave.
The little alien, startled by the old professor's reaction, had also backed away in panic, and was holding up a tiny, frail hand as if anticipating a blow. For a long moment, both remained there in a frozen mode until the professor finally gained enough equanimity to speak.
“What the hell are you, and what do you want?” he grunted barely able to control the urge to throw the intrusive creature out physically. The small alien was barely able to regain his voice to respond. His species was very emotionally-sensitive, and their organism was far more frail than humans. Many of them, in fact, were known to have suddenly died from being in similar stressful situations.
“Only to ask you a very significant scientific astronomical question,” the alien finally managed to sheepishly responded.
“How the hell did you get in here?” the professor bellowed in response as he desperately glanced around quizzically, trying to figure out the answser.
“That is of little importance sir!” the creature responded patiently.
"Not to me it isn’t. I spent good hard-earned money on the security system for this house I just purchased, and you just seemed to easily waltz it.”
“My apologies professor. Next time I will knock!” the alien said bowing his head apologetically.
“Next time? Really? Ha! In your dreams! What are you, and what do you want?”
“Well professor, as you can see, I am not a member of your human species. But strange! Why does not that even surprise you?”
“Surprise me you say? At my age of 87? Nothing surprises me. Not even if you had been a deranged horse who could recite Shakespearean poetry. I use this time off from work to relax, you know? In any case, let’s answer your question and back you go to wherever you came from.”
“I am not what you humans might call a spring chicken myself, professor.” the Alien said striving to establish some common ground.
“I am not interested in your damn age. As I just said, just shoot your question, I will answer, and off you go. If my answer seems ludicrous to you, then I will provide you with the address of several of my colleagues whom you can go and pester for a second or a third opinion. Fair enough?"
“Fair enough doctor. May I please take a seat? It has been an extremely very long journey and...”
“No! You may not take a seat! Dammit!” the professor bellowed.
“I don’t know what type of ET coodies you might be carrying, and I don’t feel like having to worry about anything else in addition to COVID 19. In fact, here is a mask!” the professor said as he took one out of his back-pocket, flinging it at the alien who seemed to be pouting with his large purple eyes on the verge of tears.”
“Why are you so hostile?” the little alien finally replied in an emotionally-hurt, quivering voice, while he obediently fixed the mask snuggly over his pig-like snout, and secured it to his porcine-like ears.”
“Why am I hostile?” the professor instantly shot back as he arrogantly gazed down at the little alien with arms akimbo. “You come barging in here out of nowhere, demanding an answer to some question you have as yet not even asked, all of this without an appointment, interrupting my star-gazing, and you have the audacity to ask me why I am being so hostile?”
“But we honestly thought that a man of your extensive scientific knowledge would be exceedingly fascinated in meeting someone from one of the stars that he viewed with so much interest”
“Oh really? And why is that?” the professor responded while kneading his white, bushy eyebrows together into a frown. He was a tall man, approximately six-foot-six and weighing approx 245 pounds, squared jutting jawed, heavily muscled and barrel-chested. Nothing even remotely similar to the common idea of what an egghead should look like. He also had a receding forehead and hairy, thick forearms. So the alien, who was of a very minute gentle-tempered species, and who was extremely disappointed by his behavior, was beginning to wonder whether he had indeed arrived at his correct destination or not. Perhaps he was at the wrong residence, and was mistakenly speaking with a some barber or butcher? he thought. Finally, after silently considering these possibilities, he responded:
“Because such intense interest is expected to logically follow from people in your profession professor? So you are starting to give us the impression of a human psychological anomaly that we have never encountered before not only on your Earth, but on all the other worlds which we have visited.”
“It is what it is, as they say.” the professor grunted, a favorite pet expression which he had repeatedly overheard some of his students using in his classroom and had adopted as his own because it made him feel both clever and young.
“True professor. There are certainly things that are unavoidable. However, now that you have proven yourself unique, everything is, of course, entirely different.”
“Well, since that is the case, then I strongly suggest that you get back into your little rinki-dink saucer, or whatever it is that you arrived in, and leave me to my studies!”
“Well, professor, as much as we would like to-now we cannot”
“What did you just say to me you little runt?”
“A fascinatingly and illogically primitive mentality superimposed on a thin veneer of intellectual sophistication!” the professor heard the little alien chirp softly into what he assumed to be a communicator.
That meant that the little fellow wasn’t alone. For the first time since the alien had arrived, the professor felt a surge of fear, and instinctively shifted to survival mode. First he cracked a board smile and forced himself to gaze at the little alien benevolently, in the way that a parent might lovingly gaze at a child. Then gesturing towards the living room sofa, he stated:
“Please, have a seat so we can discuss the urgent matters of your visit!”
“I am afraid it’s a bit too late for that professor. As I said, things are different now and the mission’s agenda has been canceled and replaced with a new one.”
“And what might that new agenda be?” the professor asked while carefully calculating which way he intended to run.
“The agenda to bring back a unique specimen as yourself for psychological study, Professor. That’s the mew agenda.
At that, the, professor bolted for the backyard fence leading with his chin, was suddenly, struck by a paralyzing ray from the alien’s weapon, was then unceremoniously levitated upwards towards the hovering mother ship, and placed in confinement where his brain could be studied meticulously in order to determine how it could reach such an advanced stage of imbecility despite being trained in the scientific method.
“Excuse me! Excuse me!” the little blue-skinned, red-crested, pug-nosed alien said in a high-pitched voice while tugging several times on the professor’s shirt-sleeve.“ Are you an astronomer?” it asked rhetorically in order to get a conversation going.
“What the hell?” the professor yelled as he suddenly realized what it was that had interrupted his gazing at the star Antares. It was his day off from work at the university, and this was the way that he usually chose to relax. Of course, at his age, relaxation was of paramount importance. But now, dammit! his heart was pounding rapidly like a horse after finishing a race, and he feared himself on the verge of a heart attack or possibly a stroke as he backed away from the small figure that had suddenly appeared as if from nowhere, and had tugged gently on his shirt-sleave.
The little alien, startled by the old professor's reaction, had also backed away in panic, and was holding up a tiny, frail hand as if anticipating a blow. For a long moment, both remained there in a frozen mode until the professor finally gained enough equanimity to speak.
“What the hell are you, and what do you want?” he grunted barely able to control the urge to throw the intrusive creature out physically. The small alien was barely able to regain his voice to respond. His species was very emotionally-sensitive, and their organism was far more frail than humans. Many of them, in fact, were known to have suddenly died from being in similar stressful situations.
“Only to ask you a very significant scientific astronomical question,” the alien finally managed to sheepishly responded.
“How the hell did you get in here?” the professor bellowed in response as he desperately glanced around quizzically, trying to figure out the answser.
“That is of little importance sir!” the creature responded patiently.
"Not to me it isn’t. I spent good hard-earned money on the security system for this house I just purchased, and you just seemed to easily waltz it.”
“My apologies professor. Next time I will knock!” the alien said bowing his head apologetically.
“Next time? Really? Ha! In your dreams! What are you, and what do you want?”
“Well professor, as you can see, I am not a member of your human species. But strange! Why does not that even surprise you?”
“Surprise me you say? At my age of 87? Nothing surprises me. Not even if you had been a deranged horse who could recite Shakespearean poetry. I use this time off from work to relax, you know? In any case, let’s answer your question and back you go to wherever you came from.”
“I am not what you humans might call a spring chicken myself, professor.” the Alien said striving to establish some common ground.
“I am not interested in your damn age. As I just said, just shoot your question, I will answer, and off you go. If my answer seems ludicrous to you, then I will provide you with the address of several of my colleagues whom you can go and pester for a second or a third opinion. Fair enough?"
“Fair enough doctor. May I please take a seat? It has been an extremely very long journey and...”
“No! You may not take a seat! Dammit!” the professor bellowed.
“I don’t know what type of ET coodies you might be carrying, and I don’t feel like having to worry about anything else in addition to COVID 19. In fact, here is a mask!” the professor said as he took one out of his back-pocket, flinging it at the alien who seemed to be pouting with his large purple eyes on the verge of tears.”
“Why are you so hostile?” the little alien finally replied in an emotionally-hurt, quivering voice, while he obediently fixed the mask snuggly over his pig-like snout, and secured it to his porcine-like ears.”
“Why am I hostile?” the professor instantly shot back as he arrogantly gazed down at the little alien with arms akimbo. “You come barging in here out of nowhere, demanding an answer to some question you have as yet not even asked, all of this without an appointment, interrupting my star-gazing, and you have the audacity to ask me why I am being so hostile?”
“But we honestly thought that a man of your extensive scientific knowledge would be exceedingly fascinated in meeting someone from one of the stars that he viewed with so much interest”
“Oh really? And why is that?” the professor responded while kneading his white, bushy eyebrows together into a frown. He was a tall man, approximately six-foot-six and weighing approx 245 pounds, squared jutting jawed, heavily muscled and barrel-chested. Nothing even remotely similar to the common idea of what an egghead should look like. He also had a receding forehead and hairy, thick forearms. So the alien, who was of a very minute gentle-tempered species, and who was extremely disappointed by his behavior, was beginning to wonder whether he had indeed arrived at his correct destination or not. Perhaps he was at the wrong residence, and was mistakenly speaking with a some barber or butcher? he thought. Finally, after silently considering these possibilities, he responded:
“Because such intense interest is expected to logically follow from people in your profession professor? So you are starting to give us the impression of a human psychological anomaly that we have never encountered before not only on your Earth, but on all the other worlds which we have visited.”
“It is what it is, as they say.” the professor grunted, a favorite pet expression which he had repeatedly overheard some of his students using in his classroom and had adopted as his own because it made him feel both clever and young.
“True professor. There are certainly things that are unavoidable. However, now that you have proven yourself unique, everything is, of course, entirely different.”
“Well, since that is the case, then I strongly suggest that you get back into your little rinki-dink saucer, or whatever it is that you arrived in, and leave me to my studies!”
“Well, professor, as much as we would like to-now we cannot”
“What did you just say to me you little runt?”
“A fascinatingly and illogically primitive mentality superimposed on a thin veneer of intellectual sophistication!” the professor heard the little alien chirp softly into what he assumed to be a communicator.
That meant that the little fellow wasn’t alone. For the first time since the alien had arrived, the professor felt a surge of fear, and instinctively shifted to survival mode. First he cracked a board smile and forced himself to gaze at the little alien benevolently, in the way that a parent might lovingly gaze at a child. Then gesturing towards the living room sofa, he stated:
“Please, have a seat so we can discuss the urgent matters of your visit!”
“I am afraid it’s a bit too late for that professor. As I said, things are different now and the mission’s agenda has been canceled and replaced with a new one.”
“And what might that new agenda be?” the professor asked while carefully calculating which way he intended to run.
“The agenda to bring back a unique specimen as yourself for psychological study, Professor. That’s the mew agenda.
At that, the, professor bolted for the backyard fence leading with his chin, was suddenly, struck by a paralyzing ray from the alien’s weapon, was then unceremoniously levitated upwards towards the hovering mother ship, and placed in confinement where his brain could be studied meticulously in order to determine how it could reach such an advanced stage of imbecility despite being trained in the scientific method.