Danny The Dog and the Humongous Ham Bone: Jun 3, 2019 22:21:19 GMT -5
Post by Radrook Admin on Jun 3, 2019 22:21:19 GMT -5
Danny The Dog and the Humongus Ham Bone
Dogs are wonderful companions as most People will readily agree. Come home from work tired, and who celebrates the most? The dog! That characteristic was what particularly endeared my father to Danny Boy the dog. He’d arrive home from work and it was as if he’d been gone for centuries. Or as if it was the second coming of Christ for Danny. He’d leap, whimper, wag tail, yowl, and even urinate in an uninhibited display of happiness.
Soon he had my father saying:
“The only one who really appreciates me in this apartment is the dog. Look at how happy he is to see me!”
So what happened that certain night I’m about to describe wasn’t surprising.
"Boy is Danny going to be happy when I give him this bone," my father said as we wound our way back home through deserted Newark streets late that night. We had been visiting some friends and my father had noticed this huge ham bone left over in the soup casserole. He had remembered Danny and how Danny received him effusively whenever he arrived home from work. So he wrapped the bone in some newspaper as a gift.
"Isn't that bone a bit too big for that little dog?" my mother put in in her usual advisory way.
"He can eat it little by little!"
"Are you sure that he has the strength in those small jaws to crack that bone?"
"Well not in one try but little by little as I just said, see?"
"What I see is that bone is almost bigger than the dog!"
"He is the only one who celebrates when I come home, and he deserves a gift. He’s always so happy to seem me that he even urinates ."
"I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve a bone. I'm just saying the maybe the bone is too big and watch out for the red light-OK or else the dog gets no bone after we wind up in the emergency room."
“That's not going to happen because I am a chauffeur."
"The best chauffeurs have accidents."
"Well not me!"
"Now start accusing me that I warn you about the bone being too big for the dog because I envy the dog."
"I never said that!"
"No but considering how your mind works you could be thinking it!"
The subject went back and forth until we got to the basement apartment. As soon as we went in, Danny began leaping, wagging, urinating, and whimpering as usual to my father's delight, whereupon my dad produced the gift from the bag.
"Here we are Danny. Look what I got for you!" he said in a tender tome of voice.
Danny leaped up, snatched the bone from my father's hand, ran to the bedroom as if being chased, and dove under their bed.
“He didn’t stay around to even thank you. " my mom said "He just saw the bone! Once he saw the bone you no longer mattered. You look disappointed Hipolito? But what were you expecting? He’s a dog-you know?” my mother said. You are lucky he didn't sever several of your fingers with the desperation that he snatched tat bone from your hand. !
It was approx. 1 in the morning and my father needed to get up at eight to go to work. So soon the lights were put, out and my parents were both in bed. All remained deathly silent for a great while, but then suddenly:
"Did you hear that?" my father said.
“Grunch! Grunch! Grunch! Grrrrrunch!"
"Where is that coming from?"
"You don't know do you?" my mother responded.
"No I don't!"
“Think deeply and see if you can guess where it's coming from!"
"From under the bed!"
"You know what it is, don't you?"
"It's Danny with the bone"
"Exactamente! What did I tell you about that bone?"
"Well I thought he was going to leave it for tomorrow."
"Tomorrow? Muchacho! Handing that dog that bone gave him insomnia. He's going to be up all night trying to crack it."
"I have to go to work in a few hours."
“Then why did you give him that bone?"
"As I said, I thought he was going to leave it for tomorrow!”
"Don't you think? You have to put yourself in the dog's place. If you were a dog, and somebody gave you a bone like that, would you wait until tomorrow to crack it?"
"Well maybe when he cracks it and eats the marrow...."
"Ha! Ha! Hah! Yeah! Sure! Cracks it and eats the marrow. You wish! You think that with those little jaws that little dog is going to be able to crack that monster of a bone? He could be gnawing at it for a thousand years, and he still wouldn't crack it. You are going to be up all night with him gnawing under the bed.”
“Maybe he'll get tired," my father suggested calmly.
"Tired? He is obsessed, mesmerized now with that bone, and won't sleep until he cracks it."
"Well I have to go to work."
“Grrrrrr!” Danny knew it was about him and growled to let them know that he knew.
Then after a silence that gave my parents hopes of a good night's sleep, the gnawing started again.
“Grunch! Grunch! Grunch!”
"Don't worry! I'll take care of this." My father flung the thick woolen bed sheets sheets aside and got up in his boxer shorts."
“Damn this floor is cold!"
“That's what you get for not listening to my advice. Otherwise you'd be nice and toasty right now under the sheets. Why not tell Nelson [me] to get the bone away from him? It doesn‘t occur to you?"
“Nelson Mijo, [my son] can you please take that bone away from the dog?"
That’s the only time I remember him calling me “mijo” [my son] So he really must have been desperate.
The light was turned on, and I looked under the bed where Danny was crunching on the huge bone. To my fearful amazement, what I saw under the bed was not my dog. It was some sort of primeval wolf. For some reason, that bone had triggered all his dormant instincts, and he was guarding it with his very life. One growl and one snap at my reaching hand was all it took to convince me.
“What happened?” my mother asked in a concerned voice, as she saw me standing beside their bed blanched.
"He looked like he was going to bite me." I uttered ashamed of my own fear and disappointed at Danny whom I had thought incapable of ever threatening me that way.
“Then it's better that you let your father do it. Hipolito! You take care of it!" my mother said.
“Don't worry! I'll make him let go. Just watch!" my father announced with one of those sudden bursts of energy typical of him, quickly went to the kitchen, and returned with some old newspapers shaped into a tube.
"What do you intend to do with that Hipolito?" my mother asked alarmed as she saw him furiously rolling up the newspaper into what would be a torch.
"Let's see if he holds on to that bone after he sees this!" He lit a match and the whole thing went up in an exaggerated blaze and he had to run to the kitchen and douse it under the faucet.
"Now don't go setting yourself or the house on fire! Then you really aren't going to get a good night's
"Grunch Grunch! Grunch!" Danny continued oblivious to all the turmoil above him.
"Hear him? As you struggle, he enjoys his bone!”
“This is no time for jokes -- OK?"
“Who said I was joking!”
“This is no time to argue either!”
He stood with a smaller newspaper torch in one hand, and a lit match in the other.
“OK, so he is bravo huh? Let's see just how bravo he is when he sees the fire!"
He was right, Danny immediately released the bone and scurried to a corner of the kitchen for safety.
Soon the lights were out once more. But now, every time my father spoke, Danny growled.
“Are you really intending on going to sleep?" my mother asked, after an extended silence during which my father had carefully wrapped himself in wool bed-sheets leaving only his pug nose sticking out for breathing purposes.
“Why shouldn’t I go to sleep?" after a moment of dramatic silence.
"Well don't you hear him mumbling?"
"Dogs don't mumble!"
“You know, in his own dog-language. He wishes he could talk, and tell you exactly how he feels, but he can't."
“So what? Ha! Ha! Ha! It's obvious that you don't know much about animals. I don't know why not since you grew up in Las Flores with the cows and the bulls. For a country boy, you know very little about animals. How strange!”
“What do you mean?”
“What do I mean? Muchacho! You never heard about that cat that sliced her master's throat while her master slept? The old woman used to mistreat that cat. The cat didn't seem to be planning anything. I mean, who suspects that a cat is planning? But come night, the cat slit that woman’s throat from ear to ear with one claw. I heard many other stories of the same kind. Animals can be very vengeful, you know?"
“Danny would never do that to me!" my father uttered calmly.
“Are you sure? He's very pissed off about what you just did to him you know. Taking his bone away that way!"
“Doesn't he know that I'm the one who gave it to him?"
“You are dealing with a dog, you know? He doesn't have your capacity!"
“So now, if I go to sleep, the dog is going to attack me because I took away a bone that I gave him? Esto Esta cabron! [This is some pretty shit!] How the hell am I supposed to sleep peacefully now?"
“I think that for your own safety, you should tie him up just to make sure. There is some string in the kitchen drawer you can use."
“Do you know what time it is?" my father said coming to a sitting position on the bed while still wrapped in bed linen to avoid the cold basement apartment air.
“It’s three O’clock in the morning and in a few hours I have to go work like an animal. in that factory"
"You have to work like an animal and an animal is stopping you from going to sleep so you can be rested enough to work like an animal. That's what they call irony!"
“What necessity do I have for all this?" he finally swung himself off the bed, discarded the sheets and stood in his boxer shorts ready to go secure the dog who was still expressing his displeasure now and then with a low growl.
“Do you hear that? What did I tell you? That dog is bitter! He is disposed to anything after what you just did!"
“The question is, what necessity I have for all this?"
“Absolutely none! You ever hear the saying, that if you insist on making yourself a messiah, you will sooner or later get crucified? Do you know what that means? Eh? You don't do you? Let me tell you what it means. It means not to make yourself excessively holy.
“All I did was give him a bone! Is that a sin?"
“Let it serve as a lesson to you, that next time make sure that you give him a bone he can crack!"
"Next time? Ha! ha! ha! ha! There isn't going to be a next time. What do you think I am. a bobo? Next time he gets mierda! That's what he's going to get next time. Mierda! You hear!"
“The more he hears you talk the angrier he gets and the worse for you when you go to sleep."
That did it! My father got the string, and the chase was on. Danny bolted as soon as he saw his intentions. Into the living room, down the hall to the kitchen Back around through the bedroom and into the living room again all the time my father uttering imprecations. Skidding to a halt with paws sliding on the linoleum, swiftly cutting corners and turning around. Into the living room, around the table. The sound of the struggle filled the whole apartment.
“Keep giving small dogs bones that are bigger than they are. Good that it happens to you for being a sangano." My mother shouted as the chase went on.
“You criticize but you won't' get up to help do you? Oh no. Not that. But with criticism you are very disposed right?"
“Why should I? I wasn't the one that gave him the bone. You gave him the bone? Now you carry the consequences."
All this time, Danny is standing at a safe distance staring at my father as if saying
“Well? Are you going to continue trying to catch me or not?"
“Look! There he is ready for you. He isn't a bobo. He knows exactly what you are up to and what that rope you have in your hand if for. So if you are expecting him to cooperate you are dreaming of longanizas,"[sausages]
“Mira Danny! Come here boy!"
“Ingrato hijo de mala madre!" [Ingrate! Son of a bad mother!] and the chase was on again.
"Usa maña usa maña!" [Use cunning! Use cunning!] “In the fashion you are chasing him , this chase is going to go on all night.” my mother advised.
After a few well chosen imprecations mumbled under his breath, my father suddenly feinted to go one way and went the other. Danny bought the trap and was finally caught and secured. The rest of the night then passed without any further incidence save for a discontented soft growl now and then.